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My son was a preemie, born 10 weeks early by emergency C-section in the wee hours of the morning. He weighed one pound, ten ounces and, stretched out, was twelve and a half inches long. His skin was bright red, his legs the thickness of my index finger. We could hold him in the palm of our hands. He was born on December 6—the feast of St. Nicholas, who is, of course, the patron saint of children.
When I got to hold him after eight days, it was tricky. He was still on a nasogastric tube at that point, still had an IV, monitors for oxygen saturation and heart rate. Just taking him out of the incubator was something of balancing act; the natural act of a mother reaching for her baby complicated by the science that was keeping him alive. Every day, I’d check his chart, see if he got any bigger; even a gain of a few grams was a triumph. His hands were heartbreakingly small.
Meanwhile, we had another child, our nearly three-year-old daughter, at home. We tried to make her life as normal as could be. I baked Christmas cookies, because I didn’t want her to miss that tradition (and because martyrdom runs in my family). We got a tree. McIrish and I went to a department store to do all our shopping in one fell swoop; when I became too tired, he pushed me on the cart, and we threw in items willy-nilly. A mermaid doll. A clock. Candyland. Preemie-sized outfits that were two times too large for our tiny baby.
I couldn’t sleep on Christmas Eve; moved to the couch around 3 a.m. and called the hospital. Mary Ann, the night nurse, told me she had tucked our son into her sweater and was cuddling him right now, and she held the phone to his head so he could hear my voice. I love you, I told him. We all miss you.
In the morning, our daughter opened her gifts, and her brother’s, too. She got a dollhouse from Santa; he got an Elmo doll. She had picked out an Oscar the Grouch small enough to fit in his incubator. My brother gave him a baseball mitt.
I remember sobbing on the phone to my sister, who was celebrating her own baby’s first Christmas. The fact that my son wasn’t home, was so small and so fragile, was almost unbearable. “Next year will be better,” she said, and I prayed she would be right. I prayed that we wouldn’t be remembering the tiny baby who didn’t make it.
When we went to see him later that day, the nurse informed us that the hospital had had a visitor during the night. Santa had left gifts for all the babies in the neonatal unit. A blanket—knit by Mrs. Claus, the nurse said; a piglet beanie baby, and a teddy bear that would remain bigger than our son for three years. She also handed us a Polaroid photo: Santa Claus, standing by our son’s incubator.
Our boy is fine now, as you may know from the occasional Facebook posting or mention here on the JQs. He is completely normal in every way, except in the ways in which he is exceptional. He is extraordinarily kind, wicked funny and alternately extremely lazy or very hard-working. He is also very cute, with smiling brown eyes and thick, curly dark hair. He teases his sister, riles up our pets and is quite a slob. We love him with all our hearts, of course.
Thank you, Saint Nick, for watching over our little guy. And thank you, angels at Yale-New Haven Hospital’s Neonatal Unit. You’ll never be forgotten.
Filed in: Jaunty Post
Dec 26th
2011
6:41 am
Karen Said:
Thank you for sharing your experience Kristan. You are very blessed to have a happy and healthy son. A good friend of mine had a baby born at 26 weeks and to see her now (13) she is the tallest girl in her class at school, which is lovely to see.
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Dec 26th
2011
7:47 am
Corinne Said:
What an inspiration Kristan…..Thanks so much for sharing.
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Dec 26th
2011
7:54 am
eli yanti Said:
it’s a very wonderful miracle for you and your boy, i want to thanks to santa to for watching your boy and thanks to angels at Yale-New Haven Hospital’s Neonatal Unit for their good job
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Dec 26th
2011
8:11 am
Christine Shaffer Said:
Now that truly is an inspiration & a Christmas miracle. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy that he has grown into a normal boy. God bless him & your family….
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Dec 26th
2011
8:33 am
Carla Said:
How sweet! What a lucky little boy to be surrounded by so much love! And what a special gift from St. Nicholas, just for you.
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Dec 26th
2011
8:36 am
Brigid Kemmerer Said:
Thank you so much for sharing this. I cried all the way through. My baby was in the NICU, too (7 weeks early), and we got to bring him home the day before Mother’s Day. The doctors and nurses who work the NICU are beyond compare, and this is an extra-special story. I’m so glad your boy grew up so well!
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Dec 26th
2011
8:46 am
Kristan Higgins Said:
Thank you, guys. We are blessed indeed. You know that saying, “There are no atheists in foxholes”? I always amend it to “There are no atheists in the neonatal unit.” We are always aware of how lucky we’ve been, and always grateful!
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Dec 26th
2011
9:11 am
kris Said:
Amazing. God Bless you and everyone at that hospital.
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Dec 26th
2011
9:43 am
Catherine Kean Said:
Aww, Kristan! What a fabulous post. Brought tears to my eyes, and brought back lots of memories too. My daughter was a preemie, born five weeks early via emergency c-section. Her due date was December 5, but she was born on Halloween. She’s 16 now. Gosh, how the time flies, and I count myself lucky every single day that she’s part of my life.
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Dec 26th
2011
9:51 am
Kim Castillo Said:
Oh, Kristan, this makes me sob for you my friend. I’m so thrilled that he is here to be a slob and rearrange your nativity. *hugs*
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Dec 26th
2011
10:51 am
Tori Said:
Although my baby girls weren’t as early or as small as your son (they were 33 weeks and 3.5 and 4.3 pounds), your post reminds me of all the heartache, joy, pain and worry of when my babies were in the NICU. Thank you for the reminder of how special a gift our children can be, especially now that they’re ten going on 25 and driving us crazy with the ways they are abusing the Justin Beiber (whom they despise) toothbrush that a well meaning uncle gave them for Christmas.
I will always hold a special respect and no small amount of awe for the wonderful nurses who work in the NICU. Our were wonderful and went above and beyond to make what could have been a very bleak time in our lives, tolerable and sometimes enjoyable.
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Dec 26th
2011
10:53 am
Thea Said:
thanks for the tear jerker, lady. hugs, t
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Dec 26th
2011
12:21 pm
Deb Said:
Thank you for sharing this lovely post, Kristan. God is good.
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Dec 26th
2011
1:22 pm
Sandy H. Said:
Yale-New Haven’s known for that unit — as well as their ‘regular’ birthing unit. My ‘baby’ brother was born there 55 years ago [but who's counting?!] and I have several friends whose kids were born in one of their units.
Happy words, glad it all worked out ok. And enjoy all the ups and downs — as they get older and you don’t see them as often you’ll have all the memories to fall back on.
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Dec 26th
2011
1:27 pm
Paula Said:
That was a lovely story, Kristan, although I can’t stop crying now! Thank you for sharing. What a blessing children are. And how wonderful to have such a memory to be grateful for at this time of year.
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Dec 26th
2011
1:41 pm
Nancy Robards Thompson Said:
Kristan, thank you so much for sharing this touching story. This time of year it’s so important to pause and remember what’s really important.I’ve met your little hero and know firsthand that he is, indeed, very special.
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Dec 26th
2011
1:54 pm
Deeanne Gist Said:
So precious, Kristan. We had a preemie, also in an incubator and a tube down his throat. So, when he cried, no sound came out. Broke my heart–especially since we couldn’t hold him. He was a January baby–born 6 days before his sister’s first birthday. This January he’ll be 24. He’s hale, hearty and happily married. He also just surprised us by quitting his amazing job in order to get on a bus this morning at 5:00am. He’s going to Iowa to campaign for the presidential candidate of his choice. Took a hiker’s backpack complete with sleeping bag and tarp since he’ll be homeless. Hard to reconcile that young man with our tiny little preemie–though he wasn’t near as tiny as yours. Blessings, my friend.
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Dec 26th
2011
2:24 pm
catslady Said:
Thanks for sharing that wonderful story – I’m so glad it you had your HEA.
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Dec 26th
2011
3:24 pm
Ashley March Said:
Thank you for sharing this story, Kristan. I remember having early contractions with WonderGirl. She was full term, thankfully, but I remember the fear and the anxiety of the what-ifs. The Santa Claus story is especially wonderful. =)
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Dec 26th
2011
3:29 pm
Lorelei Said:
What a touching and beautiful memory to share with us, but note to self, -do not read these things in public- because I’m here at Dr’s office, dabbing tears and trying to hide my face.
You are really blessed and so happy for you have such an extraordary young man in the family…
Hope you had a lovely Xmas…
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Dec 26th
2011
4:07 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
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Dec 26th
2011
5:32 pm
Margo Maguire Said:
Wow. How heartbreaking as a mom to go through all this with your tiny baby. So glad your family had its happy ending!
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Dec 26th
2011
9:00 pm
Blake Said:
Wonderful post, Kristan. I hope you and yours had a very Merry Christmas!
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Dec 26th
2011
11:51 pm
Kathleen Said:
Kristan, after I finish wiping my eyes and blowing my nose, I will be able to tell you that “Yes Kristan there really is a Santa Claus”… It brought back to me seeing my twin neice and nephew in there incubators and praying to God to please let them be okay. They are 10 now and each day is presious because of them and my other nieces and nephews…
I have friend who works in the Neo Natal and I they are wonderful nurses who have such a gift…
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Dec 27th
2011
11:18 am
Shana Galen Said:
You’ve done it again–brought tears to my eyes! What a lovely gift and a nice reminder of what the true gift of Christmas is and was.
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Dec 27th
2011
3:53 pm
Eloisa James Said:
Dear Kristan,
I’m a little freaked out by your post… because my life echoes it so closely. My daughter was born at 24 weeks, under a pound. I remember sitting in the church on Christmas and sobbing straight through because everyone else’s baby was at home (or in pews around me) and mine couldnt come home. And she didnt come home until March. We went to the NICU right after church and Santa Claus had left a beautiful stuffed dog with a red bow. Lovely, right? Except that my son was four years old, and the fact that Santa Claus had brought a dog for his sister and not for him? Tragedy! I’ve never forgotten the kindness of the nurse who appeared out of nowhere and said, “But Santa left it on my desk because he didn’t know where you were sleeping!” And there was a dog with a green bow. My son never did figure out the oddness that one moment Santa was hanging his stocking and the next he didn’t know where he lived…
Those months were some of the most frightening and wrenching — and at the same time, the part of my life when I most clearly saw the kindness of everyone in the medical profession.
You wrote it all up beautifully, Kristan!
big hug,
Eloisa
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Dec 24th
2012
1:41 am
catslady Said:
That was a beautiful story – thanks for sharing!!
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Dec 24th
2012
9:08 am
Liz Flaherty Said:
As soon as I get done sniffling, I’ll thank you for sharing that. Merry Christmas!
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Dec 24th
2012
9:28 am
Katy Lee Said:
The tears aren’t supposed to start until tomorrow!
Thanks for the headstart.
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Dec 24th
2012
10:41 am
Melissa H Said:
You are so blessed. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Dec 24th
2012
11:02 am
Lorelei Said:
Really touches the heart, your story… am wiping tears (again!) just so beautiful. Merry Christmas, Kristan and to your loving family,too!
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Dec 24th
2012
11:43 am
Shana Said:
That’s a beautiful story, Kristan.
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Dec 24th
2012
4:52 pm
Connie Fischer Said:
I’m so thankful for you and your son. It’s amazing how these little babies are so well cared for and how they manage to survive. I have a good friend who volunteers at the NICU rocking and comforting the little drug babies. She said it is so sad to see these sick little babies who could have been healthy if their mothers had simply stayed away from drugs. Babies who are born with problems through no fault of their mother should be the only ones needing this care. Wish there was more publicity given to the drug babies.
Bless you!
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Dec 24th
2012
5:51 pm
Cindy Kirk Said:
A truly beauiful story, Kristan….and I love the happy ending!!
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