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Kristan’s post on Monday reminded me of a certain type of person called “underminers.” These are individuals – sometimes good friends! – who say things like:
You look so tired today!
I’m so glad you broke up with that creep.
Oh! I didn’t realize your hair was so naturally… curly.
Aren’t you glad your skin cleared up before the [insert event]?
Once you hear these things, all you can think of is:
Crap. I slept really well last night. Are those little bags around my eyes really that ginormous?
He was a creep? I was totally into that guy. Who else thought he was a creep?
I spent a half hour with my blow dryer this morning to even out all those wacky curls, thank you very much.
Oh. So that giant zit on my chin wasn’t invisible, then?
Then there are the ones who – when you report that “my seven year-old son scored a hat trick in his first hockey game of the season,” they respond with something like “my son has been the top soccer scorer for years.” Ok, nice. But we weren’t talking about your kid just then. We’ve hashed over his exploits for years. Now it’s Junior’s turn.
I think insecurity gives some people the need to belittle others – oh so subtly – because they don’t want to be seen as too negative. Fortunately, none of my friends fit into this category. I think maybe we’re all past the age where we have something to prove.
My most recent book, The Warrior Laird, is full of doers. And the only undermining that goes on is when the heroine masterfully puts the hero in a position where he has no choice but to help her, maybe even at the cost of losing his own lands. Check it out. 
What about you? Do you know an underminer? What was the worst, most undermining thing that she (or he) said?
Sep 6th
2012
6:24 am
Emily McKay Said:
I am so sad to report that I come from a family of underminers. I don’t know if the trait is learned or genetic, but you can all feel free to hit me over the head if you ever hear me doing it. Here are some of the useful things my family has said to me:
My mother: “I loved your new book The Farm so much I had to read it a second time! It wasn’t as good the second time though.”
My grandmother: “Oh, that’s how much you make per book? Well, it’s still trash but at least they’re paying you well.”
Oh, and don’t be impressed by the money. My grandmother is still living in 1942 financially. So when I relayed that conversation to my sister, she said: “Ignore her, she’s such a shrew! … But really? That’s all you get per book? No offense, it’s just you seem to work really hard on them.”
Um, yes … thank you.
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Sep 6th
2012
8:31 am
Margo Maguire Said:
Yikes, Emily! That’s rough. :-/
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Sep 6th
2012
10:10 am
Terri Brisbin Said:
I work with underminers…. I think they’re just passive agressive people who don’t know how to deal with their own unhappiness so they subvert it to ruin others….
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Sep 6th
2012
12:02 pm
catslady Said:
Oh, my goodness yes! And you are right, they are very insecure people and that is how they are trying to build themselves up. It’s sad really but very frustrating because even though I know why they say what they do, it is still hurtful. Somehow they always turn things around and it’s poor them and the person they make their remarks to are misunderstanding them or being overly sensitive. I usually just keep my mouth shut but I do internalize it too much (sigh). These are people I still have to see so I do the best I can.
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Sep 6th
2012
12:25 pm
Connie Fischer Said:
I have come across underminers in my career and with some so-called “friends.” When you work with them or they’re family members, it’s difficult to jettison them from your life. For those people, you have to let your eyes glaze over and interrupt them in the middle of their “snark” and move on to someone or something else. If they are just acquaintances, go the toxic removal route, and slowly ignore their calls, etc. Life’s too short to put up with idiots!!
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Sep 6th
2012
12:33 pm
Margo Maguire Said:
Terri and Connie – It’s such a drag when you have to work with these people. And I hate it when it comes from someone you socialize with. But it’s the absolute worst when it’s your family!
You do have to try not to internalize it too much, though, catslady! It’s *their* problem – not yours!
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Sep 6th
2012
2:32 pm
Nancy Robards Thompson Said:
Ah, the underminer… I agree with Terri. They’re passive aggressive, which I think is one of the worst type of difficult people. Their barb is always covered in veneer. So, if you call them on it, they can turn it around on you: “That’s not what I meant. You’re just too sensitive.” They are slippery eels. Sadly, I have a few in my life. For them, I try very hard to employ Eleanor Roosevelt’s philosophy: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Sometimes easier said than done.
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Sep 6th
2012
2:34 pm
Margo Maguire Said:
Nancy – that’s a great quote to remember! You just have to make sure you internalize it.
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Sep 6th
2012
3:12 pm
Polly Said:
There’s an underminer (synonomous with Passive/Agressive)in my family who has been a constant throughout my life. Being a subject and witness to her remarks has made me a tougher gal! A couple of my favorites….
“You do know that you lose what little slimness you have when you wear stripes, don’t you?”
“When are you going to write a REAL book?” (how many of us have heard that one?!)
After a visit with her I lay out a scene in my mind where I say every comeback that popped into my head. Makes me feel better, and proud that I kept my mouth shut.
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Sep 6th
2012
3:15 pm
CateS Said:
Sometimes, you just have to wonder if they even hear what they are saying..
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Sep 6th
2012
3:17 pm
Margo Maguire Said:
Gosh, Polly – that’s just awful!
I think I must be one of the few Romance Writers who has not been asked: “When are you going to write a real book?” But I bet plenty of people have wanted to say so.
Cate – YES! If they would just listen to what they say…
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Sep 6th
2012
6:28 pm
RobynDeHart Said:
Underminers are so annoying as are the one-uppers. Really, why can’t people be more like us? Just delightful people. Great blog, Margo and Emily, even though I heard all those stories when they happened, they still make me chuckle – wonder what that makes me?
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Sep 7th
2012
8:09 am
Kristan Higgins Said:
Eesh. I think underminers are threatened, so yes, they need to take you down a peg. I get the “You look tired” comment from one friend over and over. And I say, “Really? Because I slept great last night!” And I give her a big smile and move on. I agree with Robyn. More people like us, the uber-cheerful!
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