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I have decided that being a mom is basically feeling guilty pretty much all the time. It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home-mom, or a work-at-work mom. You feel guilty.
I was chatting with a friend of mine who’s a lawyer recently, and she told me her son was sick and she kept him home from day care for a couple of days. I thought that was admirable. Lots of parents send their kids even when the kiddo is sick (and I’m not judging, but whoever sent their kid the time Baby Galen caught that ear infection, I don’t like you). But then my friend proceeded to tell me how guilty she felt. What? Why would she feel guilty for staying home with her baby?
Because she wasn’t at work, of course. And then when she tried to do a little work at home, she felt guilt because she wasn’t spending time with the sick kid. I could so totally relate.
I work from home and sometimes I have to do something work-related when Baby Galen isn’t sleeping or at pre-school. Even if I have pretended to put her stuffed animals to sleep and then awakened them fifty times; even if we have taken all the food out of the play kitchen, put it on the table, and then put it back seventeen times; even if I have sung “Old MacDonald” and “The Farmer in the Dell” and danced to “Skip to My Lou,” I still feel guilty taking fifteen minutes to do some work.
And let’s not even talk about the guilt when the babysitter rings the doorbell and Baby Galen takes one look at her and bursts into hysterical sobs, screaming, “Stay with mommy. Mommy, no bye-bye!” Right. I’m supposed to write a romantic scene after that. I feel like having my heroine take poison and killing her slowly and painfully.
One would think stay-at-home moms have no guilt, but then I saw this.
So is motherhood just a lifetime of guilt? I didn’t feel guilty for working before I had a child. It seemed kind of…expected. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
And if you’re interested in more blogs about writing, motherhood, and mommy brain, check out Peanut Butter on the Keyboard, the new blog fellow Quills Robyn DeHart, Emily McKay, Elise Rome and I, along with authors Roni Loren and Maisey Yates, have started.
Filed in: Jaunty Post
Feb 29th
2012
5:57 am
Quilt Lady Said:
Yes you hit it on the head. All mother’s have that guilt feelings, I know I did. I worked full time when my son was young and yes I sent him to school a time or two sick, not knowing he was sick. His first year of school the second half of the year he decided he wasn’t going to school any more. So we had to leave him at school every day kicking, screaming and crying with the teacher holding him. It was aweful and I will never forget those days. He finaly settled back down and finished the school year out. He is in college not so he is still going to school.
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Feb 29th
2012
8:41 am
Emily McKay Said:
Yes, Shane, I think you nailed it. Motherhood is like a ven diagram of guilt, joy and feeling like a effe-up. The moments of joy in which you don’t feel like an effe-up are few and far between.
Yesterday, perfect example. After school, the kids played in the yard and had tons of fun while I got some work done. (Oh, and you can stop feeling guilty for doing 15 minutes of work when Baby Galen is around. I work a lot around my kiddos) And then they wanted to wash the car, so we did. We had fun and laughed and played. Then had a nice relaxing evening. I felt like the supreme, best momma of all time.
This morning, I found out my daughter had tons of homework and *didn’t* tell me. Yeah, I should have looked myself–Guilt Point 1. We should have done the homework first — Guilt Point 2. I’m clearly teaching her bad habits. Guilt Point 3… You get the idea.
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Feb 29th
2012
8:59 am
RobynDeHart Said:
Well, I clearly haven’t been doing this all that long, but the guilt hits nearly immediately. My sister has said (and she has older teenagers) that the guilt is still with her so I’m guessing yes, it lasts forever. Just part of the gig, as it were. But I suppose just like the fears that come with writing and we just write through them, we just parent through the guilt b/c it seems it comes regardless of whether we’re doing fun stuff or hard stuff.
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Feb 29th
2012
9:19 am
Shana Galen Said:
QuiltLady, it is the worst when you have to leave them at school crying. Baby Galen does this to me almost all of the time, but the teachers assure me she’s fine 5 seconds after I’m gone. One time I hid around the corner and sneaked back to check. They were right.
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Feb 29th
2012
9:20 am
Shana Galen Said:
Emily, isn’t it crazy that we feel guilty when our kids mess up? Clearly, she didn’t want to do the homework, but we feel like it’s our fault!
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Feb 29th
2012
9:21 am
Shana Galen Said:
Robyn, so glad I’m not alone, and I think your advice is spot on.
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Feb 29th
2012
10:45 am
CateS Said:
Not a mom… but my sister can relate a story .. Her USAF hubby was on swing shifts.. some days some night.. she worked part-time cleaning..[so could schedule as needed] It didn’t matter who was leaving the house to go to work in the morning… the kiddos cried and fussed and carried on… yup… at least he got some of the guilt treatment.. ps… they survived [the kids] and aren’t in any kind of step program or mental treatment facility… seem to be doing quite well… but ohhh the suffering of my sister & her hubby in those early years.. I would assume the guilt changes as children age..which other’s can attest to…
Once a mom — always a mom… mine was 88 when she passed and she was still concerned when I felt puny..
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Feb 29th
2012
12:14 pm
Sarah Said:
I would love to quit and be a stay at home mommy… Lately, my daughter is a little clingy when I leave her at Day School, and we have been sick for two months.
I feel guilty if I don’t check up on her daily at school!
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Feb 29th
2012
2:16 pm
Margo Maguire Said:
I used to feel horrible when I’d leave my first two kids at DayCare. It was a great place, attached to the hospital where I worked, but my younger one (a baby at the time) would just cry and cry when I left. I’d have them get his older sister to help calm him (they have always been best buds) but even that didn’t help.
Then he picked up a really bad infection (alveolitis) and after he got it twice, I knew I had to do something different. A former neighbor of ours (with a master’s in education) had a baby about the same age as my son, and she was looking for a child care job so she could stay with her own son. She and her baby came to my house every day. It worked out great for us. (And you should have seen the craft projects she did with them!)
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Feb 29th
2012
2:18 pm
Gayle Cochrane Said:
I read this post last night but I couldn’t comment, because I didn’t want to be the one to tell you that I think the guilt is part of the job description. I feel guilty that maybe I am missing something that every fourth grader needs to know, that soon she will be in fifth grade and maybe I’ve missed something really fun or important. We made rice Kripsie treats for the first time the other day, and I felt guilty that we never made them earlier. She doesn’t want to learn to ride a bike. She has bikes, but she has never taken to them I feel guilt about that. The list goes on and on.
The thing is, you have to take time for yourself and your work or you will end up feeling a different kind of guilt.If you neglect your own needs you aren’t going to be a better Mom, just a crankier more resentful Mom who still has guilt. I think guilt is like taxes – you just accept it, pay it and try not to think about it.
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Feb 29th
2012
3:00 pm
Olivia Kelly Said:
Oh, Shana- that meme made me laugh so loud I almost woke Little Dude (or as he’s known today, Satan’s Heir) from his nap. And then I would have had to hunt you down.
I have been a SAHM for three years. I used to work full time, but the daycare was crappy, my kids were always sick, I was insane with guilt for leaving them there and I barely made enough to cover said daycare and the gas to get to work. So, I quit. I’m not going to lie- its been rough. Money is tight, and now I get to feel guilty b/c we don’t have cash for camps, frequent trips to the zoo or to the movies.
My kids hear “I can’t afford that.” quite a bit, which is a big heap o’ guilt right there. Especially when it’s countered by “But all my friends have it.” :/
Every mommy I know has her own special brand of guilt, things we wish we could do for our kids, but it doesn’t mean you are a sucky mom. I think it means you’re an awesome mom- because it matters enough to you that you feel guilty.
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Feb 29th
2012
3:15 pm
Shana Galen Said:
Cate, once a mom always a mom, right? Thanks for the reassurance.
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Feb 29th
2012
3:16 pm
Shana Galen Said:
Sarah, I feel guilty when my daughter is at home and when she’s at school. I promise, you cannot win!
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Feb 29th
2012
3:18 pm
Shana Galen Said:
Margo, it’s always great when you can find a solution like that. I am working very hard to court a couple of good babysitters so I won’t have to keep leaving Baby G with new ones. I think when they feel comfortable with the person they’re with, it helps.
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Feb 29th
2012
3:19 pm
Shana Galen Said:
Gayle, I think you’re right. And I learned a while back that I’m really a better mom when I take care of myself.
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Feb 29th
2012
3:21 pm
Shana Galen Said:
yep, that pretty much sums it up, Olivia! And I’m glad Little Dude didn’t wake up so I can live to blog another day.
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Feb 29th
2012
4:21 pm
catslady Said:
Most definitely yes. I worked 15 years and then had my kids and stayed home with them (I worked part time for 3 or 4 years from home). I think it’s the women that are the hardest on each other. The ones that had to work put us down but at the same time they were the first to call when they needed your help. And honestly for those that only worked so they could have more things, were thought badly of too. In an ideal world – both men and women should both work but half as long so that most things would be shared – raising the kids, keeping the house and working outside the home (which also gives both self-esteem I think). At least a lot of men who have working wives, help out more now.
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Feb 29th
2012
4:26 pm
Shana Galen Said:
Catslady, I like your ideal world. That would take pressure off everyone!
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Feb 29th
2012
8:36 pm
Terri Brisbin Said:
Shana –
Yes – is the short answer! I think we are always feeling guilty — for what we did or didn’t do…and it won’t end even when the kids are grown…
Terri B
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Feb 29th
2012
10:23 pm
Shana Said:
Terri, this is, unfortunately, what I’ve come to suspect…
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Mar 1st
2012
9:11 am
kris Said:
I have TONS of guilt! I went back to work when my daughter was 2 months old, she is almost 10 now. I travel alot for work (I am writing this from London), so I even end up missing weekends at home. Hubby is great at filling in the time (she’s a busy kid anyway), but I will often get a teary phone call from across the globe and it kills me there is nothing I can do! It never matters that I devote every spare moment to being with her, I always have the guilt. We just must be programmed for it.
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Mar 1st
2012
11:37 am
Shana Said:
Kris, that’s a tough situation you’re in. Hopefully the time you are able to be together makes up for the time away and the guilt.
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Mar 4th
2012
9:40 am
Joanne Said:
I am not mom, but I have many mom friends. They also feel guilty for not being at their child’s side every moment of the day. In return I ask them “How is your child supposed to grow up if you’re always there and feeling guilty about everything you thought you could have or should have done?” Do the best you can do. Be there when you can; stand back when you don’t want to; take care of yourself because if your dead you won’t do your child any good at all. Life is about learning– no matter what age you are. Enjoy your children while they’re young and rejoice in watching them experience life so that you may remain young too!
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Mar 4th
2012
12:01 pm
Shana Said:
Joanne, that’s really good advice. It seems to me I used to give advice like that. I should listen to myself!
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