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There’s a post that’s been making the rounds on Facebook. It’s charming and well-told, as these kinds of things always are. The gist of it is this: in the name of research, a famous and talented violinist put out his hat in a D.C. metro station and played for a couple of hours. Meanwhile a newspaper report sat nearby, noting and judging people’s responses. Most people walked on by. A few stopped to listen. Mom’s dragged their kids away. A few people dropped in money. No one pulled up a chair to listen to the amazing playing from this talented man. The message here (one that’s carefully crafted to bring tears to our eyes) is that we are all so busy rushing through life, we’re not stopping to enjoy it enough.
Shame on us.
Hey, I’m not going to lie, I’m a big fan of stopping to smell the roses. I’ve actually had strangers stop to ask if I needed car help because I was enjoying a sunset. You know what I’m not a fan of? Manipulative crap that makes us all feel guilty for not stopping to smell the roses often enough or deeply enough or something. That crap pisses me off. And trust me, I get it a lot. I’ve got young kids. I don’t go a day without having someone stop me to tell me to enjoy these years, because they’ll pass so quickly. Yes, I get that. And I make a point of taking a moment each day to really relish my kids and my loved ones. And there are plenty of moments I’m not going to get super excited about. Today, for example, when I was whipping poop off the bottom of my kids. Was that a moment I was supposed to cherish? Or when I was pumping gas in the ran and the pump was broken so it was going super slow, and my daughter was in the backseat kicking the door and the driver’s seat because even she was frustrated by how long the gas was taking. Should I have cherished that moment more?
I’ve been trying to nail down precisely why the story of the violinist bugged me so much. Part of it is the guilt the reader is clearly supposed to feel in knowing they too would have walked past without noticing the guy. The guilt we’re supposed to feel for being busy. I don’t like being so blatantly manipulated. I don’t like having important life messages shoved down my throat via Facebook.
But the other thing that bugs me is the simple fact that I don’t agree with the message. If we cherish every moment, then isn’t that the same as cherishing none of them? Why should I have to enjoy the poop-wiping, gas-pumping moments? Why can’t I just enjoy the good moments? Because today, my daughter also hugged me really tight. And both my kids laid on the floor drawing together peaceful while I made dinner. Those moments were awesome. I choose to enjoy those moments.
I’m sure some of you are going to say I’m missing the point or being purposefully obtuse. Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m just cutting myself some slack.
What advice do you get that bugs you?
Filed in: Jaunty Post
Feb 18th
2012
8:14 am
Janette Kenny Said:
Emily, I agree with you. Remember the special moments. Cherish them. There’s a noted figurine works around Carthage, MO called Precious Moments. These adorable figures are created to mark those special occasions. I’ve toured the place and I don’t remember one for diaper duty or gas pumping.
You’re on the right track. Stopping to smell the roses is a good thing.
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Feb 19th
2012
10:46 am
Emily McKay Said:
Oh, yes, I love those previous moments statues. And I think that’s a good way to think of it. Remember the precious moments more than the mundane ones.
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Feb 18th
2012
8:42 am
Kathryn in Montreal Said:
Emily, I couldn’t agree more. I just read that post on Facebook 15 minutes ago and I initially thought, “What a shame people didn’t realize what was in front of them.”. Then I thought about what I’m doing when I’m taking public transit… I’m usually on my way to work, running a little late, always in a rush. The reality is that I don’t have time to stop for 15, 20, 30 minutes to appreciate a busker. My boss and coworkers aren’t going to understand that I was 45 minutes late for work because someone was playing an amazing violin recital in the subway. I probably would have listened for a few minutes and dropped some coins in his case. I can differentiate between awesome musicians and panhandling wanna-bees, but most of the time timing doesn’t permit a long period of appreciation.
I was fortunate enough to have four kids… my youngest just turned 19 and I constantly wonder where the time went. I loved being home with them and I miss it every day. I know how lucky I was to have that time with them, but there were days when it was overwhelming, when it just seemed an endless round of squabbles, fatigue, messes, driving and housework. I wouldn’t trade the experience, but I don’t want to remember every gritty little detail (I think that’s why nature tricks our minds into thinking childbirth wasn’t ALL that bad). I do cherish special moments, but not everything is worth cherishing.
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Feb 19th
2012
10:49 am
Emily McKay Said:
Lol, Kathryn. I had to chuckle about your comment about childbirth. For me, giving birth was exhausting, but not that bad (especially my second). But staying up in the night with the crying new born? The trauma from that is seared into my mind.
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Feb 18th
2012
10:06 am
Shana Said:
I saw that post, too, but I thought, well, I do appreciate beauty, and I think I would have stopped to listen for a few minutes. Not everyone likes classical music, and I also thought maybe some people didn’t stop because they weren’t all that into the music.
I did get annoyed when Baby Galen was younger, and people would always say, “It goes so quickly!” When you have a baby who screams like a banshee for hours and won’t sleep and won’t eat, let me promise you that the time doesn’t go quickly. Those were the slowest 6 months of my life. I felt so guilty for wanting her to get bigger, and I didn’t appreciate being made to feel guilty. But guess what? Now she’s older (and still pretty high-maintenance), but I really do enjoy her and the time does go quickly. But guess what? I’m okay with that because I like seeing her learn new things and I like older kids more than babies.
And I don’t feel guilty saying that!
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Feb 19th
2012
10:54 am
Emily McKay Said:
Shana, like you, I didn’t love those first couple of years. I mean, sure some of it was great. But I’m enjoying two kids at four and six so much more than I enjoyed just one at 18 months. Man, 18 months was hard for me. Partly because my daughter was like Wyle E. Coyote when it came to climbing. I swear I imagined her falling to her death at least once a day.
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Feb 18th
2012
2:29 pm
Sharon A Said:
Emily, I actually think you do get the email. You are enjoying the moments that are meant to be enjoyed – your children coloring quietly, the wonderful hug from your daughter. The email doesn’t ask that one enjoys misery, just see the moments of joy that are out there and hold on to them. I’ve seen the email and I think it’s beautiful. My kids make me insane as much as the next persons, but the other night we got to giggle and laugh and enjoy one another while doing a chore – a chore! seriously! – and I treasure that moment. I’ve had far too many life challenges to not try to recognize the instances of grace when they happen, and I think that’s all the email is really reminding people to do. No one should feel guilty for remembering to take notice, or for needing a little nudge in that direction either.
I wouldn’t feel guilty if I missed the violinist, I would only hope that maybe I heard him as I went about my day trying to keep up with all the other stuff, even if I didn’t stop moving to listen. Maybe that song would linger in my head later on, for a time when I really needed it. If that happened, then I’d say mission accomplished.
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Feb 19th
2012
10:56 am
Emily McKay Said:
Sharon, what you said about the memory of the music lingering in your mind until you really needed it was really beautiful. Yes, I think that’s what good memories are for.
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Feb 18th
2012
3:34 pm
CateS Said:
Joshua Bell… amazing violin…
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Feb 18th
2012
6:47 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
Em, I remember my mom telling me “These are the happiest years of your life” when my daughter was a tiny baby, and I burst into tears. Not that I didn’t love my daughter to the ends of the world and back…but because, like Shana, I was exhausted and insecure and sore, and I wasn’t enjoying every minute, I was terrified half the time. I think the most special moments make themselves known to you; not because Joshua Bell was playing in the subway, but because your child said thanks for making them feel better, or gives you a kiss for no reason. Is it wonderful to hear a gifted musician playing anywhere? Absolutely. But maybe making the early train home to see your kids was even better. I’d like to think so.
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Feb 19th
2012
11:04 am
Emily McKay Said:
Kristan … yeah, that.
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Feb 19th
2012
3:42 pm
catslady Said:
I think it’s all a matter of hindsight. When you are in the moment, it’s stressful. But when you look back, you see only the wonderful times and wish you had spent more time savoring the good times. I think it’s just human nature. That said, it did fly so fast but you can only know that after they are raised and gone. I do wish I had not stressed over the little stuff but who wouldn’t change things from the past if they could – problem is that’s only because it is the past. Does that make any sense lol.
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Feb 20th
2012
8:36 am
Emily McKay Said:
Catslady, Yes, I know the years do just fly by. I can hardly believe my oldest is already in the first grade. And it seems like once they start school, it goes even faster.
And I’m making a real effort not to stress out so much. I think I worried constantly the first couple of years of each of my kids lives. Now that they’re a little old, I still worry, but I worry less about … Oh, I don’t them just spontaneously dying or something. I know, I’ve got plenty of other worries to come (driving! Oh, god no!!!), but these years right here are good years.
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Feb 19th
2012
5:21 pm
RobynDeHart Said:
Well, and thinking like that presupposes that those of us who don’t get our kids when they’re infants that we miss the best stuff. I say a big bullshit to that. I think most people, at least most that I know, stop and smell the roses and enjoy the little joys a lot. Maybe we don’t do it enough, but damn someone has to do the laundry or we’d all be wearing dirty underwear.
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Feb 20th
2012
8:40 am
Emily McKay Said:
Yes, Robyn, exactly. And for the record, I don’t think you missed the best part. Not at all. I mean, think about this: you have a great relationship with your mom right now. I’m sure she loved parenting you as a kid, but I know she loves being with you now too. It’s all good.
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Feb 20th
2012
11:22 am
Tori Said:
In regards to the violin story, I say it’s ridiculous because obviously what is a joy to some, is not always going to be a joy to others. And that includes beautifully played violin pieces.
I really hate when someone trys to sell me something- be it an idea, a belief, or actually try to get me to purchase something- by preying on my emotions. That’s a sure fire way to get my hackles up.
I can’t think of any advice I’ve gotten that bugs me overmuch though. I typically have the attitude that most people are well meaning when they offer advice, so whether I agree with them or not, I just nod my appreciation and go on with my life.
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