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Once upon a time, back when I was single, back before the days when one could be dumped by text or Facebook or Twitter—back when you had to work for it, you know?—I met a guy. I’d recently broken up with a longtime boyfriend and resolved that next time, I wasn’t going to try so hard. I’d just be myself, and if some guy liked me, great, and if not, I would just…I don’t know. Knee him in the groin or something.
At any rate, my friend had a party and I went, armed with my new determination to Be Myself, and voila! I met Dick (not his real name, but you can see where this is going). Dick was an architect (so cool!), he was cute without being beautiful (my previous boyfriend had been far prettier than I was), he was smart, he was funny. He loved the Yankees! His favorite all-time player was Lou Gehrig—my favorite, too! We talked! We laughed! He asked if I wanted to go to the movies, and I did! It was so easy, this Being Myself. I wondered why I hadn’t tried it before. Boy-Girl stuff didn’t have to be hard, I thought. Dick and I talked every day, saw each other lots over the next few weeks, and I was wicked happy. Did I love Dick? No, not yet. But we were having fun. This, I thought, was how it was supposed to be.
One night, Dick asked me out to a very, very nice restaurant. The nicest restaurant not just in our city, but in the whole state, mind you. So I bought a new dress, got a haircut and a mani, couldn’t wait. Got to the restaurant at six minutes past the appointed time, which all women know is the perfect amount of lateness, something they teach us in Woman School. Oh, the restaurant was pissah, as we say here in New England. Gorgeous, swanky, French. Dick wasn’t there yet, alas, so the maitre d’ showed me to the bar.
Now. There is nothing we girls hate more than waiting for a man, am I right? We sit there—alone—and try to look relaxed. But we are not relaxed, oh no. The clock begins ticking the instant we realize that dang it, we, who have carefully arrived six minutes late, are now at a disadvantage. The man has taken away our Entrance…now he gets to arrive late, and we’ll seem a little too eager. Hmmph. At any rate, I ordered a drink (white wine spritzer, terribly sophisticated). Sipped it. Dick was now twelve minutes later. I pretended to feel utterly at home, began spinning his lateness so as not to mind. (Seventeen minutes.) Pictured him coming in, windblown and ruddy-cheeked, apologetic. He’d have flowers, I thought. Hence the delay (twenty-two minutes now). I might forgive him if he brought flowers.
Tick. Tick. TICK! My white wine spritzer was halfway gone. No cell phones back in those days—well, no cell phones smaller than a brick, that is, so I couldn’t check for messages or call a friend. I sighed, turned down an offer for a drink from a fifty-year-old man. I thought about Dick and his flaws. He was rather short. A little smug. Tended to wear nothing but Yale regalia on the weekends (yes, yes, it’s a great school, Dick, we know that!).
And then, a guy came into the restaurant. He was about my age. He spoke to the maitre d’, and then, as I watched, both their heads swiveled toward me.
Not a good sign.
They approached. Oh, dear, I thought. There’s been an accident. Dick’s in the hospital! How callous of me, being irritated when Dick is lying bleeding and broken in the ER somewhere! I will rush to his side, he’ll be so glad to see me, I’ll take wicked good care of him, and this event will cement our bonds, we’ll get married and have three attractive children and live in an amazing house with a Golden Retriever. Or, I’ll marry Dr. Doug Ross, a.k.a. George Clooney.
“Hi,” said the guy. “I’m Joe. Um…Dick’s friend.”
“Is he okay?” I asked.
“Um…well…”
Poor Joe. It seems that Dick called Poor Joe and asked him to…well, to dump me.
“Um…see, Dick has a friend. His best friend. Beck. Have you met Beck?” I had not. “Beck…well, they’ve been friends since freshman year. And Beck, see, she’s, um, a lesbian. Or she was. But she’s not anymore. She told Dick last night. And…well, they’re engaged.”
The maitre d’ and Poor Joe stood there, looking at me. I did a quick emotional inventory. Hm. Dumped for a lesbian-turned-straight-woman. I held up my drink. “Do I have to pay for this?” I asked the maitre d. No, he told me. Absolutely not. I thanked Joe, told him to tell Dick he was…uncool (not the word I used), and left. Went home and watched The X Files.
I never did get to eat at that restaurant.
But you know what? Three weeks later, I was standing in line in New York City. The guy in front of me had black hair and green eyes and looked a bit like Bono. We got married a year later. So Dick—thanks, buddy.
So come on now…let’s hear it, the best break-up story you have. Winner gets a copy of the 2008 RITA©-winning Catch of the Day, in which our Maggie seems to get dumped rather a lot.
Filed in: Jaunty Post
Nov 29th
2010
7:21 am
j. barrett Said:
did charity work all day for the nursing homes bazaar this upcoming saturday. hubby went to get 10,000 checkup (oil change, etc) but at $45 there was no deal
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Nov 29th
2010
7:37 am
Kathy Albert Said:
Kristan,
I love your stories! I don’t have a breakup scene to offer because I don’t want to go thru an emotional train wreck so early in the morning. I don’t think I could beat your story anyway. Absolutely LOVE Catch of the Day! I’m glad your personal story has a happy ending. Now your hubby sounds like he’s the “Catch of the Day” and a keeper!
Kathy
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Nov 29th
2010
8:14 am
kris Said:
that was a great story!!! I don’t really have any decent breakup stories.
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Nov 29th
2010
8:15 am
Harriet S Said:
When I was in high school, I worshiped Ted from a far. He was smart, funny, athletic, & very much out of my league. While I was in college in Texas, I had heard that he was involved in a very bad accident that left him burned on 50% of his body, specifically chest, back, arms, & face. He spent months in the Burn Unit & was fortunate to have recovered well w/ no major disfigurements.
As I was studying to be an Occupational Therapist, it was only fitting that I should send him letters of encouragement, visit him when his sister made a trip down to see him, & reconnect w/ him when he was discharged. I played OT & a little Recreational Therapist too, as he had become rather reclusive since the injury. We had so much fun that summer. I really felt like he was “the one”.
He helped celebrate my 21st birthday. His mother loved me. Life was good. He recovered so well that he was to return to college in Virginia that Fall. We exchanged addresses as cell phone were not around in the early 80′s. I sent him letters weekly & blamed the lack of mail on his side to the fact that he was a guy. Several months later when talking to my Mom on the hone, she told me I needed to stop mailing him letters until I heard form him. Blah, blah, blah… what did she know. I was in love.
Several weeks later, my younger sister was the only one home. She told me “the news”. Apparently, Ted had wasted no time time in hooking up w/ his old college girlfriend in Virginia & promptly married her within 2 weeks of returning to college. So, yes, apparently I had been sending love letters to a married man. It took me a year to get over it, but I know I am better off w/o him. I would not be where I am now if we had ended up together.
BTW… I just love your books. Keep them coming.
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Nov 29th
2010
8:26 am
Kristan Higgins Said:
J…hm. Is there a breakup in there somewhere?
Thanks, Kathy and Kris!
Harriet…ouch! Ouch!
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Nov 29th
2010
8:33 am
Laurie Smith Said:
Well, I am not sure if this qualifies as a break up it is more of a heart break story…. In the early 1980′s I had met a guy that was awesome( he was a friend of a friend). His name was Bruce and he was OH SOoo cute, such a good dancer, he loved to go shopping with me. When he was away at College we would have these awesome chats on the phone almost everynight. When he came to town he would stay at my apt. with me and oh how I was infatuted with him. He kept on giving me mixed signals one minute he would flirt with me, next i was he buddy. This lasted for 5 years while he was at college. The last conversation we had was he wanted to go away with me to Greece and become a couple after graduation.
I planned to go to his College graduation (out of state) and a week before the graduation, I got a call from my best friend (who went to college with Bruce) saying “He is so sorry to tell me this but,Bruce is gay.” YIKES! I was crushed. Needless to say, I didn’t go to his graduation.
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Nov 29th
2010
8:56 am
Sophie Gunn Said:
I don’t need to be entered to win, since I have TWO copies of CotheD (the one that doesn’t leave my sight and the one I lend to friends). But here’s my story:
I lived for a year in Taiwan about a million years ago. Things there were changing fast there, w/ western influence just coming in fast and furious Well, I loved pizza and Pizza Hut had just arrived, even though many Taiwanese at that time didn’t eat much dairy. So, my Taiwanese boyfriend would take me at least once a week for pizza. When he broke up with me he said, “My stomach can’t take you. You give me gasses!’
(He meant the cheese. I think.)
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Nov 29th
2010
9:05 am
ruth Said:
When I was in high school I was going out with a presentable and nice, young boy. He took me to prom and I thought that this would lead to a permanent relationship. Before prom he made an odd remark which I ignored. He said that this is just for prom and that I was not to think it was permanent and to enjoy this brief time together. I told my sister who was a little older than I and she said that was a horrible thing to say and to dump him. I didn’t listen and then he dumped me right after prom. Needless to ssay she was right and I was wrong in my judgment.
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Nov 29th
2010
9:46 am
Rose Rony Said:
A childhood crush and I got back in contact several years later. He admitted he had a huge crush on me and pursued me to the fullest. I saw obstacle to a relationship between us but he broke down my defenses. Well three days after I agree to try to see how things work out, he broke up with me in a text. It wasn’t necessary heartbreaking but I felt as if he was just looking for me to say yes.
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Nov 29th
2010
9:48 am
Tracy Said:
Six weeks after my mother died, i started dating a co-worker named Klaus. He should have been named Adolf. He was that evil. But he kept it hidden well and for about a year i idolized him. And he seemed to adore me. Then out of the blue he told me he needed to move back in with his ex-wife because she’d been diagnosed with cancer. Only he didn’t move back in with her (because she didn’t want him!). Instead, two weeks after telling me we were through,he proposed to another one of my co-workers! Apparently everyone in the office knew about their affair except for me! Duh! Very awkward work situation after that! I ended up quitting my job and they got married. Last I heard he was cheating on her. But I found my HEA with a MUCH better man! So, alls well that ends well
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Nov 29th
2010
10:44 am
Monica/Monie Said:
I love your stories! I broke up with my college bf on our one year anniversary! I knew I wasn’t going to marry him. He had graduated and I still had (atleast) 3 more years of college. We were not in the same place. We went out to dinner at a nice place. I remember thinking that everyone was looking at us because he was so short and I am short…we looked like taller version of the Little Couple! I was thinking, “He must be the smallest man in the entire restaurant!” After dinner we took a drive and I broke up with him. I felt bad, but I just couldn’t take it any longer! He was becoming needy and annoying as he job hunted. Plus he had some huge hang ups in the “romance dept.” that try as I might he couldn;t get past. I feel bad for his wife if he still has them!
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Nov 29th
2010
11:04 am
Mary M Said:
I love it that you had the presence of mind to inquire whether you had to pay for your drink in the midst of that and he said, No. Good story! My own aren’t that compelling but I was visiting a friend out of state when she invited me to a party at her brother’s house. Her brother’s “girlfriend” asked me where I was from and then said, “Maybe I should go there. Maybe I could meet a man there.”. I was flabbergasted and of course immediately repeated the story to my friend — who found out that her brother had broken up with his “girlfriend” when she arrived for the party. Later, I decided I admired her resilience for not only staying for the party and enjoying delectable salmon, but for also interviewing guests about the likely prospects of meeting men elsewhere.
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Nov 29th
2010
11:15 am
Shana Said:
Wow! How can I top that? I don’t really have any great break up stories. They were all long, drawn out affairs.
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Nov 29th
2010
11:54 am
Kirsten Said:
I was meeting my boyfriend at the icecreamparlor on a sunny day. I got there early, had dressed up and was looking forward to our date. He was late, ad so I waited and waited and waited. I tried to call him to ask what was keeping him but no answer. 40 minutes later I was half worried sick, half furious at him when he finally called me back. So I asked where are you? Uhm he couldn’t (wouldn’t is more likely) say but…… he didn’t think we should see each other again. Before I could respond to that he hanged up on me. Two days later I “ran” into him in the street. What he was doing? Kissing some other girl. I was tempted to hit him over the head with my purse but didn’t. Till this day I regret not doing so!
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Nov 29th
2010
12:38 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
Oh, the gay boyfriend, Laurie. Still the best one, am I right?
@Sophie…oh, man. Of all the breakup lines ever, that may be the best. Or the worst. Definitely one or the other.
@Ruth…prom is fraught with tragedy, I don’t care what anyone says!
@Rose, dumped via text? Classy, huh? You’re better off, of course…
@Tracy…what?!?!? Wow, that’s quite a story. Can I use it?
@Monie…smart woman!
@Mary…that’s a little weird, isn’t it? But hey. At least she got a nice meal (unlike yours truly!).
@Shana…well, I had one or two of those, too. Not as good in story form, alas.
@Kirsten…next time you will be armed and dangerous, girlfriend!
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Nov 29th
2010
1:08 pm
Naz Said:
I was dating a guy for 2 1/2 years. I thought we were getting pretty serious and would be engaged when I was done with school. Unfortunately his plans were not aligned with mine. He moved to another state for a job and slowly stopped calling/emailing me. Two months later I saw him at a wedding with another woman. I found out later that he was engaged to her. You could say I was a bit surprised. Instead of leaving the wedding I decided that it was a great opportunity for me to drink as much as possible and try to forget he was there. Kind of difficult when the fiance would keep coming towards my table with him so that she could proudly display herself as the fiance. Being drunk at this point I found this to be rather funny. Last I heard they broke up 6 months later because she was controlling him too much!
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Nov 29th
2010
2:09 pm
Scorpio M. Said:
I don’t have any break-up stories that are funny per se, mostly they were heartwretching. But I loved Sophie Gunn’s…LOL!!
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Nov 29th
2010
2:10 pm
Amy Said:
I really lack in the break-up department, as I married my high school sweetheart. But, I did once try to break up with a guy who then spent the next few hours playing Nintendo with my sister- he wouldn’t leave!
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Nov 29th
2010
2:18 pm
Diana Said:
Awww, Kristan. What an arse, that Dick, but like you said, you soon met McIrish.
One of these days, you’ll have to tell us the story of what happened when you and McIrish first met and the whirlwind romance that followed. I have a feeling it’s a great story.
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Nov 29th
2010
3:01 pm
McIrish Said:
Well I’m certainly happy that the architect had no sense, I love you honey!
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Nov 29th
2010
3:25 pm
Kathryn in Montreal Said:
Not really a break-up story, but… there was a guy I was interested in, but he just seemed to want to be friends. We did lots of “friendly” things, but it never seemed to go further… group dates, parties, hanging out, but never a proper date. I was always ready to go though, just in case. One night my mother (who must have been extremely frustrated with the situation) came into the kitchen where I was hanging around the phone hoping for a call and said, “Sweetie, you remind me of a hamburger… all-dressed, to go.” I remember being really angry at the time and insulted, but her message filtered through and I was able to treat this guy as a good time friend… and I never was a hamburger for any other guy.
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Nov 29th
2010
3:59 pm
Shana Said:
Aw! Don’t you guys love that McIrish commented?
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Nov 29th
2010
4:37 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
Aw indeed! Thanks, hon! Love you too!
@Naz, oy! His loss, of course…
@Scorpio, sorry to hear it…time heals all, hopefully.
@Amy, smart girl! Good for you for your youthful and excellent judgment.
@Diana, one of these days, for sure.
@Kathryn…doesn’t it drive you nuts when mom is right?
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Nov 29th
2010
6:41 pm
Nichole Said:
Ok a somewhat breakup story (kind of long)…I worked with Carlos for over a year before the end happened. He was transferred to my location so no one at work knew him outside of work. We flirted for months, hung out after work and started dating. In this time, I found a different job. We still were together for a few months when we decided to move our relationship to the next level…he was going to spend the night at my apartment.
We lived pretty far away from each other and before this we would meet around our work area. (I lived in Philadelphia, PA…work was about a 40 mins drive for me and he had a 40 min drive in the opposite direction). So neither one of us had been to each other’s places.
We were supposed to meet and he would follow me home since he didn’t know where to go. He ended up having to work over-time that night and wasn’t able to come. He called me from home to talk. At the time he was willing to drive the whole hour and a half to my place to still come but it was getting close to mid-night by the time he was finished and got home to get his dog and clothing. So I told him to not bother. That we could hang out another night…maybe the following weekend.
We ended up talking for hours…him telling me how much he likes being with me…that I am so much different than the type of women he has been with before…he is so happy just talking with me…
So towards the end of our conversation he just kept saying over and over again…”are you sure I cannot come over tonight?” “I feel like if I don’t come see you tonight, I won’t see you again.” Me being completely naive about his comments just said “why do you say that? Of course we will see each again.” Never once did I think that something was not quite right.
So we leave things at that and were planning on seeing each other the following week or weekend…well let’s say that didn’t quite happen. A friend of mine worked at the place I used to work at (his place of employment). I found out from her that he requested a week off from work the following week…for his HONEYMOON. He was getting married the weekend after we were supposed to hang out. To his PREGNANT (with twins) fiancée. To say I was surprised was an understatement.
So I found this out and on his wedding day, I text him…”Congratulations on your wedding!!” He was actually surprised I found out. His response was that he is sooo sorry. He had to married her because he got her pregnant. He really wants to be with me and he loved me…(we weren’t to that point in the relationship anyway). After that point I never spoke to him again. He would text me at least 3 – 4 times a week (yes even during his honeymoon) to tell me he missed me…please answer your phone…I just want to hear your voice. (eye rolls). I ignored every contact he made. I didn’t even want to deal with just saying leave me alone. I would say for at least two months he would call my home phone at least once a week…I finally got to the point that I changed my voicemail to a male voice saying “we” weren’t home. I think he got the clue and stopped calling and texting.
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Nov 29th
2010
6:47 pm
Alana Said:
Once upon a time, it was my birthday and also the one-year anniversary with my very first college boyfriend. So we decided to go out to a nice restaurant, just the two of us, for a lovely romantic dinner. But since the place was expensive (and we were in college), he asked if we could go Dutch. I’m a little disappointed, but fine, right? No big deal.
No big deal until he orders the lobster and it turns out he’s conveniently forgotten his wallet. So I end up paying for both of our dinners (including his extraordinarily expensive lobster), and the cab ride home. And when we get back to the dorm, he dumps me right outside the door, in front of everyone. Because he ‘didn’t want to ruin my night’, but he wanted to see other people (specifically my college roommate)!
Needless to say he failed on both accounts, and he never did pay me back!
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Nov 29th
2010
7:18 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
Nichole…Oh! My! Heavens! Wow! That’s one for the ages, all right!
@Alana…you too! Holy guacamole. Staggeringly rude!
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Nov 29th
2010
7:18 pm
catslady Said:
That was a great story – alls well that ends well. I’m afraid I don’t have a story. I met my guy in high school and we’ve been married 41 years. We both tend to hang in there when things are tough. I have seen both my daughters go through some heartbreaks and they have been on both ends of it which I think makes them stronger and more able to see what they really want.
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Nov 29th
2010
9:09 pm
Emily McKay Said:
Hmm .. I have no great break up stories. That one is a doozy.
I have been dumped, but not anything as “noble” as true love in the form of a lesbian turned straight woman.
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Nov 29th
2010
9:09 pm
Emily McKay Said:
Btw, Kristan, you know if your life was a romance, Joe would have been the guy for you!
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Nov 29th
2010
9:25 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
Aw, Catslady! That’s so sweet!
Emily, you know…I’ve thought about starting a book with that exact scene. One of these days, one of these days!
Nichole, I think your story takes the cake. And it may end up in a fictional version in a book one day, because MAN! That guy had nerve! Congratulations on not being with him! Send me your addy, and I’ll pop a copy of CATCH OF THE DAY into the mail for you.
Thanks for sharing, everyone!
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Nov 30th
2010
9:03 am
Nichole Said:
Thanks so much! I will send you my address. Hey if it ends up in a fictional version in a book, great. At least Carlos in the end would be contributing some good. I am just glad that we were taking things slow so that I didn’t end up really hurt. I think in the end I was more angry than hurt…not that it didn’t sting a little. Oh well we all learn from our mistakes.
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Nov 29th
2010
11:13 pm
Laura Said:
A friend of mine set me up with a man she worked with. She got the okay from both of us and gave him my number. He called me on Tuesday to set up a date for Saturday. He sounded annoyed and bored – not at all like he was interested in dating me. I didn’t hear from him again until Friday evening when we firmed up the plans for meeting the next day.
We had a long date (movie, long lunch/dinner, and miniature golf), hugged good night and left each other. He called the next morning to tell me what a great time he’d had and we arranged to meet for dinner the following Tuesday after work. We had a really long dinner and decided we needed to go to a baseball game some time. He called the next day to say he’d bought tickets for Sunday.
So far all was going well but over the next few days he called way too much and showed that he was really a clingy guy so I knew Sunday was going to be our last date – eight days after we’d first met.
We met for lunch before the game and he brought up marriage. I told him I never planned to get married again and in very short order I knew I wouldn’t have to dump him at the end of the date – he couldn’t get rid of me fast enough! He did, however, call two days later, apologize for being such a jerk and asked if we could still get married.
That’s when I got to dump him.
That’s the one and only time my friend tried to set me up.
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Nov 30th
2010
12:06 am
Elisa Beatty Said:
Kristan, you’re hilarious!! I love that you asked the maitre d’ if you had to pay for the drink… sorry about the (minor) heartbreak, but sounds like fate had better things in store!
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