Once upon a time, back when I was single, back before the days when one could be dumped by text or Facebook or Twitter—back when you had to work for it, you know?—I met a guy. I’d recently broken up with a longtime boyfriend and resolved that next time, I wasn’t going to try so hard. I’d just be myself, and if some guy liked me, great, and if not, I would just…I don’t know. Knee him in the groin or something.
At any rate, my friend had a party and I went, armed with my new determination to Be Myself, and voila! I met Dick (not his real name, but you can see where this is going). Dick was an architect (so cool!), he was cute without being beautiful (my previous boyfriend had been far prettier than I was), he was smart, he was funny. He loved the Yankees! His favorite all-time player was Lou Gehrig—my favorite, too! We talked! We laughed! He asked if I wanted to go to the movies, and I did! It was so easy, this Being Myself. I wondered why I hadn’t tried it before. Boy-Girl stuff didn’t have to be hard, I thought. Dick and I talked every day, saw each other lots over the next few weeks, and I was wicked happy. Did I love Dick? No, not yet. But we were having fun. This, I thought, was how it was supposed to be.
One night, Dick asked me out to a very, very nice restaurant. The nicest restaurant not just in our city, but in the whole state, mind you. So I bought a new dress, got a haircut and a mani, couldn’t wait. Got to the restaurant at six minutes past the appointed time, which all women know is the perfect amount of lateness, something they teach us in Woman School. Oh, the restaurant was pissah, as we say here in New England. Gorgeous, swanky, French. Dick wasn’t there yet, alas, so the maitre d’ showed me to the bar.
Now. There is nothing we girls hate more than waiting for a man, am I right? We sit there—alone—and try to look relaxed. But we are not relaxed, oh no. The clock begins ticking the instant we realize that dang it, we, who have carefully arrived six minutes late, are now at a disadvantage. The man has taken away our Entrance…now he gets to arrive late, and we’ll seem a little too eager. Hmmph. At any rate, I ordered a drink (white wine spritzer, terribly sophisticated). Sipped it. Dick was now twelve minutes later. I pretended to feel utterly at home, began spinning his lateness so as not to mind. (Seventeen minutes.) Pictured him coming in, windblown and ruddy-cheeked, apologetic. He’d have flowers, I thought. Hence the delay (twenty-two minutes now). I might forgive him if he brought flowers.
Tick. Tick. TICK! My white wine spritzer was halfway gone. No cell phones back in those days—well, no cell phones smaller than a brick, that is, so I couldn’t check for messages or call a friend. I sighed, turned down an offer for a drink from a fifty-year-old man. I thought about Dick and his flaws. He was rather short. A little smug. Tended to wear nothing but Yale regalia on the weekends (yes, yes, it’s a great school, Dick, we know that!).
And then, a guy came into the restaurant. He was about my age. He spoke to the maitre d’, and then, as I watched, both their heads swiveled toward me.
Not a good sign.
They approached. Oh, dear, I thought. There’s been an accident. Dick’s in the hospital! How callous of me, being irritated when Dick is lying bleeding and broken in the ER somewhere! I will rush to his side, he’ll be so glad to see me, I’ll take wicked good care of him, and this event will cement our bonds, we’ll get married and have three attractive children and live in an amazing house with a Golden Retriever. Or, I’ll marry Dr. Doug Ross, a.k.a. George Clooney.
“Hi,” said the guy. “I’m Joe. Um…Dick’s friend.”
“Is he okay?” I asked.
“Um…well…”
Poor Joe. It seems that Dick called Poor Joe and asked him to…well, to dump me.
“Um…see, Dick has a friend. His best friend. Beck. Have you met Beck?” I had not. “Beck…well, they’ve been friends since freshman year. And Beck, see, she’s, um, a lesbian. Or she was. But she’s not anymore. She told Dick last night. And…well, they’re engaged.”
The maitre d’ and Poor Joe stood there, looking at me. I did a quick emotional inventory. Hm. Dumped for a lesbian-turned-straight-woman. I held up my drink. “Do I have to pay for this?” I asked the maitre d. No, he told me. Absolutely not. I thanked Joe, told him to tell Dick he was…uncool (not the word I used), and left. Went home and watched The X Files.
I never did get to eat at that restaurant.
But you know what? Three weeks later, I was standing in line in New York City. The guy in front of me had black hair and green eyes and looked a bit like Bono. We got married a year later. So Dick—thanks, buddy.
So come on now…let’s hear it, the best break-up story you have. Winner gets a copy of the 2008 RITA©-winning Catch of the Day, in which our Maggie seems to get dumped rather a lot.
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