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I know a few people these days who are trying to find The One…they register on a website, find someone who sounds pretty good, then prepare for the all-important first date.
I don’t know about you guys, but I hated first dates. The pressure was tremendous—could this 
be him, the man I’d eventually marry, the father of my future and adorable children? Was I interesting enough (I never felt I was and in fact would review good stories to tell, all of which seemed to involve medical emergencies for some reason). I’d spend eons on deciding how to look better than my ordinary self, as I never had a lot of confidence on what to wear (Tim Gunn, we met too late, my darling!).
And then, I’d arrive at the restaurant or bar early and hope for the best. The best never came. Two things would happen: I’d take one brief look and immediately know he wasn’t the guy my kids would call Dad…or I’d fall madly in love and start naming said children. Either way, it never worked out…I ended up marrying a guy I met in line. I honestly don’t remember our first date, except that he held the door for me. It made a huge impression, clearly. J
In the interest of those seeking The One, I figured I’d post a few common sense rules for the first date.
- Be clean and smell nice.
- Wear clothes that fit.
- Don’t talk about your ex.
- Don’t talk about phobias, addictions, gastrointestinal illnesses or why your other relationships have failed.
- Listen…don’t just wait for a pause so you can tell your stories.
- Ask questions about work, family, pets, education.
- Ask about hobbies and interests.
- Be prepared to offer topics that will generate conversation…
- Favorite movies and books
- Places you’d like to visit
- Try not to name the kids just yet.
- Make a second date unless you really, really can’t bear the thought of another minute in this person’s presence.
Because that’s the thing. Most of us aren’t at our best with all that pressure, all those expectations. Get through the first one is the real priority. While we all adore the idea of love at first sight, real love takes time to discover.
Any other rules you’d like to include?
Filed in: Jaunty Post
Aug 30th
2010
9:48 am
Kristan Higgins Said:
My formatting was thrown off…favorite books and movies and places you’d like to visit were supposed to fall under Topics That Will Generate Conversation. Just for the record.
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Aug 30th
2010
9:55 am
Shana Said:
These sound good to me, but because I’m sort of a pessimist, maybe another tip is to have an escape plan? I mean, don’t sneak out the bathroom window or anything, but make sure a friend can call with an emergency or something.
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Aug 30th
2010
10:09 am
Karen Pinco Said:
As a follow up to Shana: Be careful where you go. If you need to leave alone, you don’t want to have to walk – oh, say – five miles through the forest or …
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Aug 30th
2010
10:14 am
Jessica Chambers Said:
So true, Kristan. First dates can be a nightmare. All I really have to add is not to take the whole thing too seriously. Turn up for your first date expecting, at the most, to get to the end of the evening having made a friend and had a good time. That way, you should feel a lot more relaxed. And, if you’re fortunate enough to meet Mr. Right … well, that’s a bonus.
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Aug 30th
2010
10:51 am
Huntley Said:
I have, actually, exited the restaurant through the bathroom window during an unfortunate first date. Something I would have thought was apocryphal, but yes, it was THAT BAD.
I always kind of liked the moment in Annie Hall when Woody Allen told Diane Keaton he was going to kiss her now “to get the pressure off, so we can digest our food.” If Woody Allen looked like Brad Pitt and made the same suggestion, so much the better, but, oops, there’s that first date pressure rearing it’s ugly head again.
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Aug 30th
2010
11:52 am
Kristan Higgins Said:
Really, Huntley? Now that’s a story worth telling. My worst first date was with a guy who literally said “Hello” and then “Goodbye.” And that was it. There were some grunts, a couple of nods…he must’ve ordered, but by then, I’d gone to my happy place and didn’t notice.
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Aug 30th
2010
12:52 pm
Nancy Robards Thompson Said:
Great blog, Kristan! My teen-age daughter and I were laughing about how first dates – and new relationships in general – are “…the best of times and the worst of times.” So much excitement mixed with such anxiety. All I can say is I’m glad my hubby of nearly two decades was my last first date!
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Aug 30th
2010
12:57 pm
kris Said:
My last first date was in 1987, so I don’t know how current any advice I could give would be.
But, I think just keeping an open mind helps. I had a friend who was 35 and desperate to get married (the ol’ biological clock screaming in her ear). I set her up with a divorced friend of mine. Nice guy, but because he wore flip flops on the first date, she rejected him before the appetizers as flip flops meant to her that he didn’t care enough about appearance (it was summer on Cape Cod, so I don’t get that one).
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Aug 30th
2010
1:15 pm
Mary M Said:
My worst asked if I had any advice on finding “cheap places to live”. He also talked about his ex who was a flight attendant and according to him, traveled to places he wanted to go just to burn him. I thought, she’s a flight attendant, isn’t it her job to travel? And maybe she likes to travel and that’s why she’s a flight attendant?
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Aug 30th
2010
1:40 pm
Sophie Gunn Said:
Geez, do people still date? Sorry, I’m awfully old.
I do pass a trendy running store twice a week where a hip, young crowd forms at 5:00 for “running club.” None of the men wear shirts and all the women mosey around blushing and looking furiously at the sidewalk. So here’s my 1st date rule: wear a shirt.
If I was one of those women, I’d be so relieved to be able to talk to a man w/o his nipples showing, I’d marry that one on the spot!
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Aug 30th
2010
1:58 pm
Gail C. Said:
Its been a while, but Keep it Simple is a good idea. Dinner in a restaurant you can actually hear each other in is nice. Maybe a walk through a nice (yet, some what busy) park or the zoo. Some thing/place were you do not have to stare into each others eyes and there are outside distractions to help with the “dead air” time, but can still get to know each other.
I’m thinking that you should avoid extreme sports especially if one of the parties has never participated before. Or else, the second date may be at the hospital.
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Aug 30th
2010
3:16 pm
Paula R. Said:
Great list here, Kristan. Some of them reminded me of your characters. Oh, I had to go to the DMV last Friday and I just couldn’t get Callie out of my head. I wasn’t as fortunate as she was though…LOL!!!
I did know a couple of things…bring some money, at least enough for cab or bus fare and go to a crowded place.
I hate going on first dates, not that I have been on many. They suck the big one, though. I haven’t been lucky enough yet to find my hero, so the journey continues. I just want to meet someone and know, he’s the one without having to stress over the first date.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
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Aug 30th
2010
3:25 pm
catslady Said:
I haven’t had a date in over 43 years so I’m clueless except I wouldn’t trust the internet sites – know someone that had her wedding plans made (dress and everything) and someone else googled the guy and found out he had been arrested for taking unknown pictures of little girls (got caught and tried running away) and this was a “mr. religions” guy (I’m sure he was trying to be like what she wanted) – very scary.
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Aug 30th
2010
3:53 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
A running club? What circle of hell is that?
I wonder about those perfect first dates…one of my friends said she could tell the second he smiled at her that he was The One. They’re engaged now! So romantic! But more common seem to be the “race for the door” types. I too am glad my first dates are behind me…but I do love writing them!
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Aug 30th
2010
4:34 pm
Kym Lucas Said:
Two rules I can think of:
Okay, it sounds cruel, but it was said in such a gently teasing voice which, along with his British accent, convinced me that this was a man I that I could handle.
1. If he teases you (nicely), he’s a winner.
I wore red high tops on my first date with my husband because, as I told him, “They make me laugh.” His reply? “And everyone else as well.”
2. If he says you’re too good for him, believe him and run away. Quickly. (No story behind that one, just some well-earned experience).
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Aug 30th
2010
7:43 pm
Scorpio M. Said:
I love #1, will have to remember that one!
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Aug 30th
2010
8:04 pm
LouisaCornell Said:
I haven’t had a first date since 1978 so I have no clue what dating is like today! And I am too busy working and writing to find out!
Still, that first date was with the man I eventually married. I had actually dated his best friend for a year before that so we knew each other, but it was still a bit awkward. The second date was better because we both agreed that nothing had changed between us. We started as friends and it was best to continue that way and see what happened.
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Aug 30th
2010
8:08 pm
Kristan Higgins Said:
Louisa, that sounds like a great story! And Kym, I like your notion that gentle teasing is a good sign. I concur!
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Aug 31st
2010
1:17 am
Christina Hollis Said:
Great post, Kristan – I especially like the point about listening rather than chipping in all the time. The more you can find out on a first date (without seeming suspicious!), the more at ease you’ll become…
…or not, in which case that cab fare or a good pair of running shoes will come in handy!
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Sep 3rd
2010
10:42 pm
KathrynSmith Said:
I would just like to add that if anyone does discover that their date is Russell Brand (even with the bird’s nest hair) — I will gladly step in and take him off your hands.
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