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We all know that telling a lie is wrong but we all still do it anyway. I’m not talking about big lies, but the little small white lies that we tell friends, acquaintances and even sometimes ourselves. Lies have a way of just becoming accepted sometimes. And in most cases that’s okay. But in some situations it can end up hurting you.
I started thinking about this “lie” that we tell ourselves in marriage when a friend of mine who was also going through a divorce after several years of marriage and I were talking. And she said to me I was living a different lie than you were. And I thought universally most women are telling themselves (and maybe men, I don’t know how men think!) some sort of half-truth about their marriage.
I was married for 17 years before I found out I was living a lie. Not a big lie that would hurt anyone but a lie that I had been telling myself. I had the “perfect” husband–everyone said so and that was the lie. I knew that my husband wasn’t perfect and that beyond the façade of our marriage it wasn’t solid. Yet at the same time I didn’t want to let on to anyone that it was less than perfect.
I’d made this image of a nice family where everyone was exactly as they were supposed to be and after a while it was hard to say things aren’t working out. Or my life isn’t what I’ve been pretending.
Now this lie didn’t hurt anyone…at least I don’t think it did. I think that most of us are telling little lies to ourselves to keep up the façade of being happily married or happily employed or whatever other role you are pretending at. I think that most of us are living a lie of some kind or another because in our society we are judged by what we are good at and frowned on by our failures.
A perfect case to prove this is the fact that two of my neighbors stopped talking to me when I got divorced. I no longer fit in on our street or in their eyes in a neighborhood. I didn’t have a husband to fill out the party partnering that happens in suburban American. Does that mean that I shouldn’t have been lying to myself all those years?
I don’t know.
I think this is one of those situations–the lies we all live–that is a necessary evil. I think if we are true with ourselves and admit that our lives aren’t perfect and if we can somehow become okay with it then maybe we can move on…I mean me–maybe I can move on. But letting go of perfection is hard.
This is something I’ve been exploring in my writing. My upcoming book from Brava THE PIRATE features heroine Daphne Bennett and she had been living the lie of a perfection marriage with the perfect children until her husband pulled the rug out from under her and let the world know that all wasn’t as peachy as it had seemed. She is facing her summer alone as her kids are going to their dad’s and she needs to escape. So she volunteers with Doctors Across Waters and heads off to Somalia finding more of an adventure than she expected to. Writing about Daphne gave me a chance to explore some of my feelings about my marriage and marriages in general. I still don’t have the answers but I think that I’m getting closer to them. It also gave me a place to explore what was different about me since my divorce. Of course I didn’t have to face death to find those answers, which I think is a very good thing!
I’m not really talking about telling little lies to friends to make them feel good about what they are wearing or their new hair cut. I’m talking pretending that your life is closer to perfect. I guess also that sometimes we fake it before make it!
What about you, are you living a lie? Do you think that we all are in some way?
I have two copies of ARCs of THE PIRATE to give away to two blog participants today.
Happy reading!
Kathy
Filed in: Jaunty Post
May 17th
2010
8:13 am
Nancy Robards Thompson Said:
This is a very brave post, Kathy. Thank you for opening up and hugs to you as you regain your footing in life. Right now, the lie I’m telling myself is “writing is easy and fun.” It’s one of my daily affirmations. Don’t get me wrong. I do love writing. I can’t see myself doing anything else. But right now, I’m staring down the barrel of a loaded deadline and, well, it’s neither easy nor fun. However, the point of affirmations is – as you said – “You fake it until you make it.” You tell yourself the way you want it to be and the affirmation helps you make it so. Does that make it a lie? If so, my nose is growing! (Writing is easy and fun! Writing is easy and fun! Writing is easy and fun! Writing is easy and fun!)
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May 17th
2010
8:35 am
kristan higgins Said:
I agree, Kathy…very brave to talk so openly about how we can deceive ourselves sometimes, and why we do it. I think everyone has those times or issues that are just too hard to face. Haven’t we all tried to convince ourselves something’s better than it really is? It’s human nature. On another note, your book sounds great, and very timely, too.
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May 17th
2010
9:03 am
Emily McKay Said:
Yes, Kathy, that is very brave. And phooey on those people in your neighborhood who treated you badly! Some things in life are tough enough without having to deal with other people’s censure on top of it all.
Like Nancy, I to myself (and others) about writing all the time. Whenever a stranger finds out I’m a writer and they say, “Wow that’s a fun job!” I always smile and say, “Yes, it is.”
And of course, in some ways, it is. I have the perfect excuse to read a lot. I get to meet so many amazing people, and sometimes even get to met or hang out with one of my idols. But most of the time, getting to the computer and getting work done is painful. And when I’m not getting enough work done, it’s terrifying! And I live in constant fear that my editors aren’t actually reading my books and that one day they’ll start reading them, realize I’m a fraud and never buy anything again. (even though the they clearly *do* read my books, because someone edits them.) … so how’s that for a big bundle of insecurity?
And of course, I bring all that same craziness/insecurity (times ten) to parenting. “Oh, yes,” I’ll say, “This is such a fun age!” When what I really mean is “Yes, it’s fun, except for the times I want to sell them on ebay. And the times I feel guilty for wanting to sell them on ebay. Which pretty much leaves about ten minutes of each day.
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May 17th
2010
9:05 am
eap Said:
I think we all tell overselves little white lies all the time.
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May 17th
2010
9:11 am
ruth Said:
Thanks for your inspiring and wonderful post today. I know that most people pretend and lie. In fact my sister lived a lie with her marriage for 27 years. She became a victim, put on an act to everyone and her pretense was accepted by all except me who knew the truth. She has lived a charade and would never admit the poor choices she made in her life. Her husband died young 3 years ago and now she is alone and miserable.
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May 17th
2010
9:38 am
Shana Galen Said:
Very powerful post, Nancy. You know what I think people lie about? How much fun they have as a parent. I know some people do have tons of fun but it can’t be nearly as many as who told me how fun a baby is. I wish more people had told me the truth: it’s really, really, really hard. And the some days, if you’re lucky, you get to have some fun too.
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May 17th
2010
10:37 am
Quilt Lady Said:
Great post! Yes we all are living a lie to a certain degree! I know I do. I try to tell myself that I have a good life with hubby and son but its not true, I know where you are coming from! None of us live the perfect life! So I bury myself in my books to hide from the true life I am living! I pertend that life is good!
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May 17th
2010
11:05 am
Jinky Said:
I think sometimes we lie to ourselves because we desperately want to believe things aren’t as bad as they are. You know what they say, the first step is admitting there’s a problem. Once you do that, there’s no going back. I think that’s why the first step is the hardest.
This was a great post, and very inspiring. Sadly, I know more than a few women who were cast aside after a divorce. My aunt and her kids were actually asked to leave their church after her husband, a deacon, left her for the pastor’s wife. The reasoning was that they made her ex and his new wife ‘uncomfortable.’ Go figure.
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May 17th
2010
12:26 pm
runner10 Said:
Great post. I do not feel like I am living a lie. I think a lot of people do to impress others. I think it is better to be honest about who and what you are.
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May 17th
2010
12:57 pm
Margo Maguire Said:
Recognizing the lie is only the first step. It takes a lot of courage to act on it and do what you decide is right. I’m sure the best course is different for everyone, but I’m sure none of them are easy.
Hugs, Kathy – on recognizing what was wrong and doing what you had to do. No doubt your book will be a very powerful one!
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May 17th
2010
1:59 pm
Kirsten Said:
I am living the lie by telling people I’m okay.
How are you? they ask, I grin and say FINE or GREAT rather then admit I’m unhappy & lonely. I don’t really know why I’m doing it. I suppose it’s easier then be (painfully!) honest and cry about it in front of others.
Romance novels are also an escape for me. The HEA’s make me share some of that glow, that buzz. They make me smile and that’s something I’m desperate for.
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May 17th
2010
2:03 pm
catslady Said:
It’s probably how most of us survive. People that really know me, know things aren’t perfect but why bother telling most of it. The only one that can do anything is yourself which is the hardest thing of all.I grew up watching my mom live in a not so perfect marriage for 50 years and I guess you learn from that and so I do the same thing. I was taught you just stick things out. I will brag I’ve been married 41 years but I never say they’ve all been happy lol.
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May 17th
2010
3:17 pm
Karyn Gerrard Said:
What a deeply personal post, and what a interesting question, you got me thinking. I would agree with Kirsten, telling people I am just peachy, when at that time, I really wasn’t. I was afraid to tell how I was really feeling, like I had fallen in a pit. It took a long time to admit it to myself, before I could reach out to family for help. I am better now. I should have been honest…sooner.
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May 18th
2010
7:41 am
Katherine Garbera Said:
Thank you everyone for discussing this with me today. Kirsten and Karyn Gerrard are my winners today. Please email me at kathy@katherinegarbera.com with your snail mail addresses.
I hope that everyone finds true happiness!
Kathy
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