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I have a dear friend who was recently complaining that her husband has never planned a date for them. “Of course he hasn’t,” I answered. “He’s a guy.”
“But he should,” she insisted.
“But he won’t,” I informed her. “He’s a guy. They don’t do that once they’re married.”
It got me to thinking about the many differences between men and women. In the case of my happy marriage, it’s true — I tell McIrish what we’re doing socially, and he’s more than happy to come along. It’s very rare that he takes the initiative and plans a date, and I accept this. (Catherine Kean, enough out of you! We know your husband is the exception to this rule!)
So what else? How else are men and women intrinsically different?
Boo-boos. McIrish is a firefighter, uses power tools all the time, chops wood with an axe (for fun). He gets cut all the time. He figures if a digit is still attached and more or less straight, he’ll be fine. Me? I don’t cut myself that often, as all the sharp edges of my computer have been filed down. The other day, I sliced my finger on the food processor blade and was shrieking for stitches before the blood even appeared.
Bed-making. I can, he can’t. He can build a house, mind you, and fix a car, and rescue a drowning victim, but he cannot make the bed to save his life. I mean, he is really incapable of this, no matter how long he tries.
Potential explosions. I try to avoid potential explosions. For example, we have a wood furnace. The instructions say to open the vent and wait 10 seconds before opening the door. I obey this instruction with religious fervor. My husband…nah. “Oh, they just say that. You don’t really need to.” When I point out the children and I live in the house and should an explosion occur, we’d be scattered for miles, his answer is “Has the furnace exploded? Has it, honey? Huh?”
Colds. I can tolerate a cold just fine. McIrish is in a perpetual state of disbelief that such a cruel and unfair fate should befall him. I throw a box of tissues at his head and tell him to get over it.
Showers. Me: Shampoo and condition (leaving on for 2 minutes, of course), exfoliate with specialy scrunchy and lovely scented soap, wash face carefully with youthifying magic potion, shave legs (twice, in case I miss a spot), then rinse entire self thoroughly, pat dry and apply scented moisturizing oil, then trot to the medicine cabinet for the application my three facial moisturizers (age defying; skin guardian; eye doctor). McIrish stands in the shower for a few minutes, turns off the water, then shakes, dog-like. The end.
Falling asleep. For me, it’s a complicated system of sleep button on the clock radio, perfect temperatures, pillow plumping and, hopefully, a story. For McIrish, being horizontal = unconsciousness.
Cooking. Me: recipe, grocery store, planning. Him: “How old do you think this anchovy paste is? Still good? Sniff it and tell me.”
Television: Me: I enjoy watching a show from beginning to end. Him: Clicks to a different channel every 15 seconds until I wrestle the remote away from him.
Popcorn. McIrish and I both love popcorn. I eat it as follows: take one or two kernels, put them in my mouth, chew, swallow. McIrish: Plunge hand into bucket, withdraw fistful of popcorn, shovel into mouth, swallow, repeat.
Men.
So which differences strike you the most? What would you change about typical male or female behavior if you could?
Filed in: Jaunty Post
Feb 15th
2010
6:43 am
Emmanuelle Said:
OMG I can’t agree more. When DH has a cold you’d think he’s having a rare deases. “My nose is running, look” and I’m “Yeah that’s what a cold do to you, duh !”
As for the falling asleep thing, I am so jealous. He doesn’t even need a flat surface. The guy can fall asleep on the kichen chair, come on !!
One of the other differences between DH and I is that after 10 years of marriage I KNOW just about everything about him. Especially what he likes/dislikes. He on the other hand… brings home chocolate icecream for me whereas I just HATE it, offer me an unknown perfume when I’ve told him many times the brands I like, bring home pounds of octopus for me to cook when I can’t even bring myself to look at those things.
MEN WON’T LISTEN (or at list mine won’t).
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Feb 15th
2010
7:53 am
kristan higgins Said:
Emmanuelle, I know! McIrish thinks I like chocolate ice cream, too! When I tell him that in fact, I don’t, he argues with me. “Yes, you do. I know you do. You eat it all the time.” He refuses to back down on this; it’s like he thinks I’m trying to confuse him on the witness stand or something.
Men also won’t apologize…or if they do, it’s along the lines of “I’m sorry you’re so misinformed that you think I actually did something wrong.”
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Feb 15th
2010
8:20 am
Tonya Kappes Said:
ah…Kristan…are you sure my husband isn’t your husband’s brother??? Scary how alike they are. My DH is happy go lucky and I can analyze something to death.
He always thinks he right too! This drives me crazy. I am ‘everything is gray’ kind of gal and he’s not. When I do prove him wrong, he can turn it around and it DRIVES me crazy!! I think I’m going to call him at work and yell at him…RIGHT NOW!
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Feb 15th
2010
8:41 am
Rita Said:
A long time ago I read an article I think says it all. It listed all the things a woman needs to make her happy and get in the mood. There were 99. Things like Roses, back rubs, chocolate, soft music, tender kisses. You get the picture. There were 2 for men. Show up naked with beer. There you have it! We women try to make men all complicated. They aren’t. Thank goodness they take direction well and do supply us with those 99 things when we ask. Be kind and repay with the 2 things they ask for. Grin.
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Feb 15th
2010
8:49 am
kristan higgins Said:
Love it, Rita! And Tonya, I’m laughing out loud at the image of you yelling at your DH…was not my intention at all!
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Feb 15th
2010
9:01 am
Margo Maguire Said:
Finding stuff: I can, he can’t. It’s just that simple.
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Feb 15th
2010
9:23 am
Catherine Kean Said:
Kristan, I LOVED this post! Made me laugh out loud, because it’s all so true! I can totally relate to the shower (which takes my husband all of about three minutes) and the falling asleep in seconds. I wish I could get to sleep this easily. My husband can fall asleep within five minutes on airplanes; my daughter took a picture of him once with his mouth hanging open, snoozing!
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Feb 15th
2010
9:46 am
Michelle Rattigan Said:
Kristan, You said it girlfriend!!!My husband got me flowers out of the blue last month. As you can imagine I was delighted, suprised and a little guilty for calling him a ‘feckin eegit’ for locking the cat in the attic the night before.I didn’t have the heart to point out they were a bit wilted and old looking. Two days later my next door neighbour met me outside at my car and proceeded to say”Your Liam is a lovely fella, always willing to do things for the community. Sure didn’t I see him up at the graveyard on Saturday with the lads cleaning the grounds and dumping all the old flowers, he really is a catch”. Yes, isn’t he just.
Difference being according to my husband, “women don’t recycle enough”. Hump!!
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Feb 15th
2010
9:56 am
Marie Force Said:
Very cute and very true, Kristan. Lots of similarities to the DH in this house. Especially the sleeping. The kids and I time how long it takes for him to be out like a light when butt hits sofa. I think the record is 33 seconds.
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Feb 15th
2010
10:05 am
kristan higgins Said:
Margo, same here! Catherine, we have those pictures, too! Michelle, oh, my LORD! That takes the cake! And Marie, yet another thing we share…
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Feb 15th
2010
10:53 am
Shana Galen Said:
Oh, my! You are so funny! And I think we are somehow married to the SAME man! What would I change? I wish he could hear a baby crying in the middle of the night!
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Feb 15th
2010
12:45 pm
catslady Said:
Maybe they’re all clones – my husband has every one of these “faults” lol.
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Feb 15th
2010
1:26 pm
kristan higgins Said:
Not faults as much as, er, traits, right, ladies? Of course, we love our guys! (McIrish, hope you’re listening!)
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Feb 15th
2010
2:44 pm
RobynDeHart Said:
Great blog!
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Feb 15th
2010
3:05 pm
Mary Ellen Said:
I am very glad you called me a Dear Friend. Despite the fact that they all seem to be variations of the same theme…I STILL WANT MINE TO ASK ME OUT ON A DATE! But, since what you are all pointing at is perhaps a genetic defect with the lot….I am feeling a bit more forgiving. The best to all of us, (I think we may need it.) Your Dear Friend……
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Feb 15th
2010
4:46 pm
Romantic Girl Said:
I find it hilarious that everyone’s hubby seems to be able to fall asleep instantly. It drives me crazy about my DH, especially when I toss and turn for an hour. Recently, I found out that one of DH’s coworkers and friend is dating someone. I’ve never seen this man date in the 11 years I’ve known him (though I imagine he has at some point) so I immediately launch into the usual questions: how’d they meet, how long have they dated, etc. DH didn’t know. He didn’t even ask. Men don’t gossip, so frustrating at times.
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Feb 15th
2010
4:52 pm
Solveig Said:
Great blog Kristan
If he´s looking for something and can´t find it I usually just have to move one object blocking it out of the way and it´s found 
I would like to change the “leaving the dirty underwear on the bathroom floor thingy” but since he has mastered the “putting the toilet seat down every time thingy” maybe I should not complain? And yes he could not find things to save his life
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Feb 15th
2010
5:40 pm
Nancy Robards Thompson Said:
Kristan, you had me laughing out loud! Then again, what’s new?? I can relate to so many of these: Colds (DH is currently getting over one – the contrast is fresh); showers (I should get out the stopwatch and time him; I’ll bet his week of shower time is less than one day for me); television (sometimes I’m tempted to hide the remote). Thanks for making me smile.
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Feb 15th
2010
8:08 pm
kristan higgins Said:
Robyn and Margo, you’re so on target with the “can’t find jack” syndrome! Somehow, I can find everything belonging to everyone who lives in my house. Mary Ellen, pet, we ALL want them to ask us out. It’s just that they won’t. RG, I know! I’m always pumping McIrish for details about his single coworkers, and he never knows a thing. Solveig, oy! Ick! He may need a shock collar to snap him out of that one…And Nancy, my pleasure!
Men, we love you! Obviously!
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Feb 15th
2010
9:34 pm
Paula R. Said:
Hey Kristan, I really don’t have anything to add to this, but I am really enjoying the comments. Your bullets were hilarious. I hope you had a great day.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
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Feb 15th
2010
10:21 pm
Diana Said:
Why do some guys find it so hard to suck it up and ask for directions? It’s like a strike to their manhood to admit that they’re lost.
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Feb 16th
2010
7:14 am
kristan higgins Said:
Thanks, Paula! And Diana, so true, girlfriend! At this point, I just let McIrish go in the wrong direction until he finally turns around. I just bite my tongue…even though yes, I did tell him so.
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Feb 16th
2010
9:32 am
Caroline Said:
Ahhh.. what to change… His quirks are many….
My DH cannot find anything in the house, to save his soul. And if I ask where something is, the standard response is “I dunno”
He will leave one layer of TP on the roll, and when I go into the washroom, will pull said layer and not have enough. I now have learned and keep an extra roll in the drawer nearest the toilet.
I have survived being rolled on, and pummelled by a horse, and have dodged flying hooves with the mastery of an acrobat. My DH, when rolling over in bed, completely asleep, flings his arm out, and seems to be able to find my nose. Every time. And even awake, I can’t seem to dodge that. Three nosebleeds later, I put a pillow between us.
But I wouldn’t change one stereotypical male bone in his body, because he is the man I married, and I wouldn’t want him to be any different.
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Feb 16th
2010
9:53 am
kristan higgins Said:
Atta girl, Caroline!
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