I was talking via e-mail to a reader the other day, and she mused that it must be nice to be a successful writer, since I didn’t have to waste my time doing housework and stuff. “I still do all my own housework,” I regretfully informed her. “Really?” she typed back. “Oh.”

I know. Where is that staff I ordered from Amazon? But her question got me to thinking about some of the misperceptions some people might have about those of us who make our livings at the keyboard. As you may know by now, I like lists, so here’s my list.

1. We don’t do housework. Excuse me? I couldn’t hear you. I was scrubbing the bathroom on my hands and knees. Sure, I might be a writer, but I was Hungarian-American first, and we Hunkies clean our bathroom floors on our hands and knees. And then we do it again, in case we missed a spot.
2. Our nails are perfect. Well, at conferences and book signings they are, sure! Because we just paid for a full set. Once we get home, we’ll trim them right down, because it’s wicked hard to type with long nails. Don’t worry about the nail polish. I’ll just let that chip away.
3. We sit at the keyboard, and the creativity just pours forth. Umm…well, once in a while, that’s true. Mostly, though, there’s a lot of sitting and staring…a little typing. Some mumbling. More staring. A few more lines of typing. Some deleting. More staring.
4. We have really cool clothes, because we’re all creative and stuff. I have some cool clothes. But that’s not because I’m a writer. It’s because I have a thirteen-year-old daughter who dresses me when I have to go out in public. For the most part, I yearn for the days of my school uniform, when every day, I knew exactly what I’d wear. I sort of have a uniform now, I guess. Jeans and a solid-colored turtleneck sweater for winter; for summer, jeans and a solid-colored t-shirt, sometimes with a Yankees logo on it when I’m feeling wild.
5. We finish a book and then take a month or two to travel and see the world. Sigh. That sounds so good. I plan on doing this someday. I may have to come back for another life, but I’m going to do that. Someday. Not in the foreseeable future, but someday, dang it!
6. Our book is being made into a movie starring Drew Barrymore/Sandra Bullock/Joseph Gordon-Levitt /all of the above. This is, I admit, my most Lotto-ish of dreams. Do I think my books would make great movies? I sure do! Do I think that will happen? I really want to think that, yes! But the odds are pretty low just the same. I still hope, though.
7. People recognize us on the street. Nah. Once I asked the great Susan Mallery if she was ever recognized outside of romance writing conferences, and she said, “Oh, God, no.” This is a woman who’s written more than 100 books. At that moment, the waiter came over and said, “Excuse me, are you Miss Mallery? Our chef is your biggest fan.” So yes, it does happen…if you’re Nora Roberts or Susan Mallery. Personally, nope. Which is totally fine, because I’d probably be wearing jeans and a solid-colored t-shirt, and my hair would be all funny.
8. Our husbands are over-sexed hotties. I’m gonna leave that one alone, actually. No comment.
9. Our offices overlook the ocean and are filled with flowers sent to us by our editors. Hm. My office is in the basement. My editor, lovely though she is, hasn’t sent me flowers (but Keyren, just in case you’re reading, I’m completely open to this). Truthfully, I love my little basement office, hidden away from the rest of the house. It’s cozy. Lots of photos and drawings. Digger loves it down there. I keep a bowl of chocolates next to my chair. No ocean views, but still pretty cute.
10. We’re really lucky. Now that one, my friends, is really true. Lucky because we do something we love, no matter how hard it can be, and because nice people like you read our books and our blogs. Thank you. Thank you so much!

Happy holidays, everyone!

Kristan