June 9, 2008
Tales of Culinary Madness
Written by EmilyMcKay in Jaunty PostDuring my interview with Jaunty, I promised that—at some later date—I’d share with you a story or two of my cooking craziness. Here’s one of my more memorable gaffs.
But before I get to the story proper, you have to know a little bit about me. First off, I’m a tree hugger. Always have been. If it’s green and environmentally sound, I’m all over it.
So a couple of years ago, I read this article stating that the problem with the American diet was that we all eat like kings—lots of protein, lots of fats, lots of refined sugar and flour. Basically, all the stuff that’s bad for you and that until the twentieth century only the very wealthy could afford. A far more healthy diet would be the diet of peasants—whole grains and vegetables with a little bit of fat and meat. Furthermore, our kingly diet was bad for the environment, because cattle and diary take a heavy toll on the environment. This made a lot of sense to me.
So I decided, “That’s it! From now on, we’re eating more like peasants. We’ll be healthier and so will the planet.” Seemed like a win-win situation.
With this goal in mind, I set out for the beans and rice aisle at my local supermarket. Lo and behold, it turned out I wasn’t the only one with this great idea. I found out there was a company—we’ll call them Food for a Better World—that specialized in exactly the kind of meals I was looking for. Think of it as Hamburger Helper for the granola crowd. I bought a package of Bulgur Wheat Pilaf that was supposed to be the perfect meal in a bag. Just add a diced onion, fresh chopped garlic, a couple of bell peppers and some vegetable stock. Simmer for a couple of hours and you’ve got a tasty healthy meal.
After purchasing all the ingredients, I head home and start cooking. I chop and mince, sauté, simmer and stir. A solid three hours later I serve up a delicious bowl of pilaf for me and my husband, only to realize that I’ve prepared gruel.
Yes, gruel.
Turns out, Bulgur Wheat Pilaf—even with fresh sautéed veggies—is just not that exciting. Or edible, really.
That’s when it hit me. Peasants used to eat gruel, because they couldn’t afford anything else. However, we could afford to eat better. So we tossed the gruel and ordered a pizza.
So, what’s your worst dinner time flop?
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RobynDeHart Says:
That’s one of my favorite stories. My biggest was some crockpot dish and frankly I don’t even remember what it was, but I think there was chicken and maybe veggies - maybe it was supposed to be an Asian dish. Really I don’t know and by the time it was done, no one could tell what it was or what it had been. It was this nasty looking brown mush that smelled sorta good, but The Professor and I took one look at it, tossed it out, then made our way to the nearest restaurant.
EmilyMcKay Says:
Oh, I’ve had many a crockpot dish go bad as well. Sometimes ingredients that sound wonderful just don’t do well when simmered together for eight to ten hours.
Alan Kelly Says:
Worst cooking experience? Mine?
Never had one — not.
These days, I am reminded of this experience by the initials BCP, for which the story below relates.
Duty cook for the family, I launched on a recipe found in no recipe book on the planet. Roasted potatoes and cheese. Everything was doing well, or so I thought, until the most horrible smell brought me and everyone else to the kitchen. I brought the “dish” and placed it on the table.
“What’s that?” she said.
“Blue Cheese and Potatoes.”
To this day, the only come back is the Blue Potatoes and cheese.
NOTE: Do not broil blue cheese.
Shana Says:
Wow, I have had way too many bad cooking experiences to mention. I think the most dangerous was when I put a frozen pizza in the oven and forgot to take the cardboard off the botoom. Thank goodness I didn’t start a fire.
Love how you think about food, Emily. I try to eat low on the food chain as well.
EmilyMcKay Says:
Oh, I’ve heard rumors of other blue cheese disasters. I had a friend who once tried to make blue cheese queso. I think they had to get rid of the microwave it smelled so bad. After hearing this, I’ve steered clear of melting blue cheese. Unless it’s carefully encased inside a hamburger.
Rainy Says:
Most recent?
Same kind of thing. I was looking for healthy and found a “Best Meatloaf Ever.” It had turkey meat, grated zuccini, carrots, onions, whatever. I was chopping, dicing, slicing and when I took it out of the oven, I had high hopes which were instantly dashed when I brough out this untasty, unsightly blob of meat. I think it was gruel with a shape!
Worst thing:
I was a young bride and cooked roast chicken for my mother-in-law. I always hated putting my hand inside the chicken to take out the gizzard stuff so I quickly stuck my hand inside and convinced myself it wasn’t there.
Well, we found it when we carved the chicken at the table. A nice cooked plastic bag of gizzards.
Also for my mother in law, I made pumpkin pie and put in whole cloves instead of ground cloves. I sat at the table and watched her silently pick out of mouth clove after clove. I swear they all ended up in her piece.
EmilyMcKay Says:
Oh, cooking for in-laws is the worst! No matter what you’re making it’s never as good as you wish it was. I once called my sister in tears because I could figure out how to make iced tea for my mother-in-law.
Yep, iced tea. Couldn’t be easier, but I panicked.
Sarah Says:
I think my only problem is over-cooking chicken - grill, oven, or pan. And I can’t cook fried eggs for my husband.
And my husband’s decision to make vegetable lasagna - which didn’t come out well…
And I’ve done left the gizzards in the chicken too!
I’m sorry - for health reasons - I eat high on the food chain… lots of protein, lots of fats - but no flour and no sugar and no starches.