January 21, 2008
The H-Files
Written by Shirley Karr in Jaunty PostI had planned to “cheat” today, to simply copy some things from my humor files and call it good. We all need a laugh, especially on Mondays, right? But of course I can’t write that short.
You have a humor collection, don’t you? Maybe a file folder where you stuff the funny drawings that get passed around at the office and comics you clip from the paper that really tickle you. A drawing I’ve had for a long time is of a blender, plugged in and filled with water, with two fish swimming around. One fish, his eyes bulging, fins twitching, is saying “I can’t stand the tension!” There’s also the serenity prayer, skillfully arranged in lovely flowing script, that reads “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they really ticked me off.”
Some items get outdated after a while, like the lyrics to a ditty about John and Lorena Bobbit, to be sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies’ theme. Others are timeless, like a comic panel of Cathy struggling in vain to find a flattering swim suit.
On my hard drive I started a Humor folder where I store all funny stuff that comes electronically. (A lady came home from the doctor’s office smiling from ear to ear. Her husband asked why she was so happy. “The doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old!” she said. Her husband rolled his eyes and said, “Well what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?” “Oh,” she replied casually, “YOU never came up in the conversation.”)
Soon I realized I couldn’t remember all the jokes just by their file names, and some I definitely wouldn’t want my mom to read, so I started a Clean Jokes file. (A little girl asked her father, “Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?” He replied, “No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If Elected I Promise’.”)
In these folders I also have multi-page Word documents that are collections of jokes by popular category, such as dumb blondes and lawyer jokes. (”Why didn’t the shark bite the vacationing lawyer who was surfing? Professional courtesy.”) The longest doc is probably Bumper Snickers, which has wisdom gleaned from car bumpers, key chains and magnets:
“Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way.”
“I used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.”
“Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.”
Many of the humorous pieces I save are related to my interests, like writing. When I got pregnant I added a new category.
“Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 kids is enough.”
“What’s the difference between a Playboy centerfold and a woman who’s nine months pregnant? Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.”
And of course there’s a humor file in My Download folder, too, where I keep stuff like this that amuses me:
These folders and files are better than any medicine cabinet, and I can open them any time I need a chuckle or a mood lift, with no prescription needed, no nasty side effects. Some people might even think of them as part of a sanity survival kit.
Do you have your own H-Files?
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Margo Maguire Says:
RobynDeHart Says:
You know I don’t have a humor file either, but I love some of the ones you shared. And it’s a great idea for those days when you’ve just had it and you need a good chuckle.
ladydawgfan Says:
I have a vast and varied humor file, and I love to share it with people. It contains everything you mentioned above, cartoons, jokes, photos, bumper snickers, etc. There is always someone who hasn’t heard a particular joke or story.
Alice Audrey Says:
Heck yeah I have one. It even has that picture in it. It’s got a lot of stuff that isn’t funny but came in the email too.
catslady Says:
I too have a file but the darn thing is sooooo big I rarely open it because it takes so long to download lol and of course there’s always new ones that come in every day.
Shana Says:
I don’t have a humor file, but I do have a few cute jokes and poems I’ve kept. I should create that file and move them. Ah, another way to organize better! I love it!
Fedora Says:
Thanks for this, Shirley!! I do keep one, sort of, and will have to add the ones you shared to it. It always helps to have some laughs on hand for those days when it’s harder to come by!