January 19, 2008
Holding on when you should be Moving on
Written by Cindy Kirk in Jaunty PostI had lunch with a friend today that I hadn’t seen in (other than just running into her) over a year. We used to critique together when she was writing…so we went from seeing each other every week to nothing. She’s busy. I’m busy. And we just never called to set anything up.
One of the interesting things we discussed today was the fact that we’d both (up until recently) had best friends since high school that aren’t our friends any longer.
Things happen, people disappoint. What was interesting is that we both in retrospect felt that we’d hung onto the relationship longer than we should have. That years ago the friendship had began to change. We had less in common…and everything always seemed to be about the other person. Still, we held on and tried to make it work…though we weren’t quite sure why. Maybe because there was so much history…maybe because we couldn’t believe that we could have so little in common after being friends for so many years…or maybe because it’s hard to say goodbye.
Being loyal is a good quality….but so is being honest with yourself. I think I was just reluctant to admit that what had once been there wasn’t there any more.
Talking about it today made me realize I wasn’t alone. How about you? Have you ever held onto something or someone when you really should have moved on?
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Taryn Raye Says:
Yep Cindy. I’ve been there, though mine is a sad story. I was friends with *G* from 7th or 8th grade on. After graduation, she married a man she didn’t really love to get out from under her parents. She met an older man online and moved to Delaware to be with him and divorced her husband. I stuck by her through all of that.
We wrote letters and occasionally talked on the phone, but then even that dwindled. A few years ago, she got in touch with me after I hadn’t heard from her in about a decade. Thought we were going to be able to resurrect our friendship. We were still able to talk just like we used to.
Only problem was that she began calling me all the time and the conversations were always about her and the crazy things that were happening to her on a daily basis. It didn’t make sense to me. She’d told me years ago she had PID and couldn’t have kids, but she was pregnant. She was also a diabetic, and was always having car accidents or being “attacked” by either her husband or someone else.
Much later, I started to piece the puzzle together. She had problems with depression, was hospitalized in the last part of her pregnancy, her husband beat her up and had her put in a mental hospital. She met some guy there and they were going to get married and she was supposedly pregnant by the new guy, but then a few days later, she had lost the baby and was going into the Navy. Then I didn’t hear from her for a long time.
To my understanding, I think she really did have the baby(I saw pictures and the little boy looks like her), but she had to go off her bipolar medication while pregnant and she was a drug addict and everything spiraled out until she had a manic episode.
She’s tried to email me a few times in the past couple of years, but I’ve avoided her. As badly as I wanted to keep that friendship alive, I couldn’t handle all the phone calls and outrageous behavior she was exhibiting, even states away from me.
I wish the best for her and still pray for her, but I didn’t know how to help her. It still breaks my heart though, but I finally decided that for my own mental and emotional health, I couldn’t hang on to that friendship anymore.
Shana Says:
I’ve had this experience, too, Cindy and Taryn. There’s a fine line between helping a person like this and enabling.
To me, the stranger experience is when you see someone after years and years and pick up just where you left off. I have a college roommmate like this. We won’t see each other for 4 or 5 years, then we’ll be at a wedding or she’ll come into town, and we sit down and talk as if we’d just seen each other yesterday. That’s a cool feeling.
Margo Maguire Says:
I had a great time in high school, but I didn’t keep up with any of my HS friends. Met one 20 years after graduation and we tried to resurrect our friendship, but it just didn’t work out.
I’m ok with moving on.
Robyn DeHart Says:
Sometimes I think that all you have in common with someone is history and it’s time to move on. I’ve had to part ways for other reasons - people being emotional vampires, you know the ones that just suck the life right out of you. But only once before. I am still close to my best friend from high school and we might not have as much in common as adults as we did as children, but we still mesh and enjoy each other when we get together. But my soul mate friend, is another writer.
Mary M Says:
I think Robyn expresses it in an insightful way…sometimes all you have in common with someone is history. I’ve learned to move on when someone is just not healthy to be around.
Kathryn Says:
Yes, I’ve always been one to keep in touch, even if I am the only one keeping in touch. That changed with a big car accident in 2000 and the time I spent recuperating allowed me time to think about who I wanted in my life, who was worth keeping.
I had a friend I had been very close to at work, but when I changed departments and was no longer available constantly, the relationship started to change. We got together, but it was usually initiated by me and at her place. The times she came to me got fewer and farther apart. We always had a great time together and I guess that’s why I clung to the relationship. We hadn’t spoken for a couple of months when I had my accident and she heard about it through a mutual friend. I got an e-mail saying, “Hi, heard you had a major car accident, glad you’re okay. Call me sometime.” That was it… she couldn’t even be bothered to pick up the phone for a major accident… I hit delete and haven’t heard from her since.
Cindy Kirk Says:
It’s been really reassuring to read the entries…ranging from the emotional vampires who suck the life out of us to the ones who can’t be bothered to pick up the phone (because it’s really all about them)