September 24, 2007
A Perfect Match
Written by RobynDeHart in Jaunty Post
Did you know The Professor and I met on an on-line dating site? Yep, it’s true. There’s this one, you’ve seen the commercials, they’re the most successful dating site out there. They’re reputable, their questionnaire is more extensive than the rest of the crowd and yeah, they’re more expensive, but it’s worth it right? Well, we were both on there - you know the one I’m talking about, you can probably hear the theme song in your head right now (”this will be an everlasting love…”). Yeah, we were both on there, but, um…we weren’t matched. Nope, according to them, we’re not compatible. We actually met on a different, way less known site that frankly wasn’t all that great, had really short, unhelpful profiles and the only reason I even bothered sending him that first email was that his profile headline was two grammatically immaculate sentences and I thought, “who writes like that on a dating site???” so I sent him a snarky e-mail (I know, that’s hard for you to imagine) and what do you know, he thought it was funny and the rest, shall we say, is history.
So why is it that we were both on that site and yet we weren’t considered a perfect match? Well, I think it’s because they mostly are looking for compatibility, sameness in a couple. Now I’m not saying anything negative about them (although, hello, soulmate here, what’s wrong with you people?!) which is why I’m leaving their name out of this because clearly they’re doing something right. But for me, and I suspect most people out there, there is something missing from their equation that I think is essential for a great partnership. Compatibility is obviously important, you want to share likes, but on the other side of the coin, you really need some contrast. Without differences, you’re left with marrying someone who is just another version of yourself and I don’t know about you, but THAT would drive me freaking nuts. Contrast gives both of us room to grow, we challenge each other, which coupled with that compatibility makes for a perfect combination.
That same is true for heroes and heroines. You don’t want just compatibility or else your book will read like a really boring conversation about dating. And you don’t want just contrast else your characters will do nothing but fight all the time. And the compatibility shouldn’t just be a mutual attraction. Yeah, that’s important, but I don’t know about y’all, but my girlish figure is not what it used to be and the old bags are packed beneath my eyes. Look at The Professor and I. We both share a love of music, but we like way different types of music - there is some common ground there, but not a lot, but our deep-seeded love of music is a language we share. We both have home state pride. Now we happen to disagree over which state is best, but everyone knows it’s Texas and I’m right. 
We both have strong family values. We both value dreams and education and want children and I could go on and on. But then there’s that stuff where we totally aren’t the same, he likes artsy movies and I’m a big-budget girl, he loves to stay up late and sleep late, I like to get up early and get moving. He tends to be more relaxed and slow-moving (translates to always late, but I’m being nice) while I am obsessively on-time and stuck on schedules - he relaxes me and I make him more aware of time. Yeah, these are simple examples, but you get my drift. Together we make a perfect match, he compliments me, he’s strong where I’m weak and he challenges me and visa versa.
So whether you’re a reader or a writer or just out in the dating field. Think about not just sameness, but areas where you can enjoy the differences. So how about you? What about you and your significant other? How do y’all compliment and challenge each other?
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Shana Says:
USF and I are about as different as can be. We definitely challenge each other, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Our differences force me to grow and change and learn new things. I’m a better person bcause of him.
Great topic, Robyn!
J Perry Stone Says:
I love blogs like this because a) we get a sneak peak into your life, b) you made it writerly, Robyn, and c) it’s all about relationships. You two are adorable, btw.
I do think, however, that site you refer to has the basic premise correct: you have to start with similar foundations, but perhaps they just don’t know how to account for the rest of the fun stuff which can and should be different.
That’s tough one to determine though because one couple’s “foundation” is another couple’s fun stuff. You and your husband could go to blows if music was your lifeblood as it is for my folks. They’d kill each other if they had to sit through anything other than classical.
Here’s another example: I stink at everything finance and my husband is brilliant at it. Seriously, I count on my fingers and he graduated the very top of his MBA class at Emory (I know, I’m bragging), so you’d think this discrepancy would present tons of problems for us given that it sounds like a foundation thing. It isn’t. What is, however, is our spending habits, which are very similar so we rarely get into conflict over them. Same foundation, different skills.
Ugh, what a boring example I just gave you.
Here’s a better one: I love words and he screws them up (he speaks English as a second-language). When I once asked him what he wanted to do for the evening, he said, “I don’t know, let’s just play with our ears.” You’d think this would offend my sense of reverence for words, but what I most love about words is when they’re twisted into original patterns.
Plus, you know, I get to make fun of my husband.
Same foundation (to be the center of our attentions); different skills.
But a love of ethnic food is a foundation thing for us!! I once dated a guy who only wanted to eat at Ponderosa and I thought I’d go seriously go postal on him. Ethnic food and love of garlic=foundation.
brownone Says:
Hubby and I are like oil and water. But that’s probably what keeps us going! Then again, I’m the nut who broke up with a guy because he ALWAYS agreed with her! I mean, if I said the sky is red with blue polka dots he would agree! UGH!!! Grow a backbone already!
AndreaW Says:
Awww, cute picture, Robyn!!
My hubby and I are actually a lot alike. We both love to watch sports, we like the same foods, listen to the same music and enjoy a lot of the same activities. One difference is that I love to read while he doesn’t.
lol We’re completely happy together and that’s all that really matters. 
Margo Maguire Says:
Hmmm… I think you’ve got a great basis for longevity! The thing is, you have to nurture those things that keep you compatible so your relationship can grow and develop even more through the years. And when you recognize a hitch in the works, you’ve got to deal with it (in whatever way works for THE TWO of you) so that it doesn’t intensify and become a split. I guess I’ve seen it happen way too many times with friends and acquaintances.
Dorothy Says:
Robyn, you and The Prof are just too cute together!
I’m divorced and don’t have a significant other so I am not qualified to give advice! lol
catslady Says:
About the only thing my husband and I agree on is politics and thank heavens for something lol. Opposites do attract but I have to say a little more sameness would have been nice roflmao. We’ve been married 38 years so I guess something is working but it could just be our stubborness (ahh something else we have in common) lol.
Stacy S Says:
My hubby & I are so different. But we are very good for each other. He makes me a better person.
Rainy Says:
Robyn,
Love that picture…and doesn’t it say 1,000 words? You both are so comfortable wrapped up in each other.
My husband is Type A and I’m Type B. He’s Felix and I’m Oscar. He’s punctual and I think if it’s within 30 minutes, it’s on time. I could have bookshelves on every single wall and he likes clean lines. But it works somehow. Our basic values are the same and I could show you a few pictures of us like yours, with us all entwined…where does one end and the other begin?
Helen Says:
My hubby and I have a lot of things that we like but there are also a lot of things we differ in so this keeps us happy we have been married for 30 years although we have had our arguments making up is so much fun we get along really well he is a great husband and fantastic father and grandfather and I wouldn’t have him any other way.
Have Fun
Helen
Haven Rich Says:
Not that everyone puts faith in their birth signs, but I do. So here is the low-down…
I dated an Aries, which is a water sign, meaning they are peaceful type. I was completely pampered by this guy and it drove me nuts. I wasn’t challenged by anything. His every move depended on what I wanted. I felt like he was my puppy. When we fought, he’d pout…that’s my job!
My husband is a Scorpio, very headstrong. Despite our sometimes clash on who wears the pants (me being a leo), I adore how he doesn’t let me have my way all the time. He does tell me no and I don’t feel like I need to walk him. We each have our strengths that we bring to the marriage, making it that much better. Plus even when we’re fighting, he makes me laugh *and I hate that sooo much lol*.
He’s also my rock when I’m in need of one.
Hope this all makes sense and I didn’t just ramble on.
Anyhow, great topic Robyn!
Robyn DeHart Says:
It was great reading about all of your relationships and your differences and similarities. And thanks for all your kind words about our picture - we are indeed crazy about each other.