Fashion lunacy
Written by Shirley Karr in Jaunty Post
The brevity of my pregnancy (only six months and one week passed from the time the stick turned blue until Daniel’s birth) meant there were a lot of things I didn’t have time for before he arrived. One of those things was to blog about the joys of maternity clothes. I’m still wearing them since the weight came off quickly but it takes a while longer for things to, um, compress again.
I’m under 5′3″, but made peace long ago with the fact that I will probably never shop at Petite Sophisticate (though I do have fleeting moments of sophistication). Over the years I have found clothing stores such as Catherine’s, Lane Bryant and Fashion Bug that recognize not all American women are a size 6. (Recent studies prove the average American woman is a size 12. Average, people, which means that half of American women are larger than a size 12.) For the most part, these merchants and the designers they carry recognize that though my waist is not tiny, I still have a sense of fashion. The days of the Mrs. Roper muumuu with gargantuan floral print are (mostly) over.
Being familiar with these chains that cater to women of size, and knowing there’s at least one chain that caters specifically to new and expectant moms (and I’ve heard stories of some women gaining upwards of 50 pounds during pregnancy, which has to put them in the plus-size category), I expected only minor difficulties in finding maternity clothes. Most of that difficulty, I imagined, would be finding styles acceptable to my discriminating fashion taste since for some reason, most products associated with babies, pre- or post-birth, are nauseatingly cutesy. Even under the influence of hormones, I am not into “cute.”
No problem. Right?
Rude awakening: the accepted rules for sizing in regular clothing (plus size, petite or average) apparently have no bearing whatsoever when it comes to maternity clothing. One retailer that revealed the size equivalents for their S, M, L and XL maternity offerings considers the XL the same as size 11/12. =:-0
A size XL garment is a full size smaller than the same item in size 1X even though they both have a single X. Chains that do stock size 1X clothes don’t actually carry maternity clothes in their brick and mortar stores. Sure, there’s more to pick from if you shop online. But with the bad luck I had in finding clothes that fit when I was able to try them on in stores, no way was I going to pay for shipping.
Let’s talk for a moment about the styles that are offered: Empire waist shirts, where the waist is at the right place only if you’re young and perky, if you know what I mean. Short puffed sleeves that are flattering if A.) you’re five years old, B.) are a size five, or C.) wearing them on your Regency ball gown. Most of the shirts on the racks I saw were sleeveless. Aside from the insanity that this was true even in the chill of January, no one needs to see my flying squirrel arms. And frankly I don’t want to see anyone else’s, either.
The most absurd item, though, had to be a calf-length denim jumper in a charming print… of houses. Row after row of cute colorful cottages covered this garment from stem to stern. I ask you, at a time in her life when a woman is feeling as big as a house, who on God’s green earth thought she’d want to wear a dress covered in houses?
Probably the same genius who thought it was a good idea to put a seam there on bras. Two seams, on some models. I ended up shopping at a bra boutique to find garments that fit my new requirements as a nursing mom (no polyester since I’m allergic; no underwires; and large enough to accommodate being, well, well-endowed). The owner and her assistant spent over an hour searching for stock in boxes and trunks they hadn’t opened in who knows how long in order to find likely candidates. One of the rejects was a style called the Anti-Gravity Bra. Sounded like a good idea, but when I tried it on the shape it created reminded me of Jane Russell from the 1950s. Seriously, you could poke an eye out with those things.
Are there any nudist colonies where it’s always 75 degrees, occupied only by people who’ve either given birth or are married to someone who has?
