Hello! Jaunty P. Quills, Porcupine Extraordinaire back again with a confession. I may have…um, inadvertently hired a new Jaunty Quill without consulting the current Jaunty Quills. And I may have—ahem, forgotten exactly who I hired. But have no fear! I will discover who the new Quill is before she or he is unveiled on November 1st. (Either that or the Jaunty Quills have threatened to send me back to the woods.)

Porcupine Extraordinaire: And here’s the new Quill now! Hello! I thought we might continue with our investigation—I mean, interview from last week.

Mystery Quill: Heh. I totally have the upper hand here, don’t I? I mean, you don’t know who I am and the Jaunties have no idea why I’m here! My plan to take over the world is going along very nicely.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: First completely original question—not from The Actor’s Studio at all—what sound or noise do you love?

New Quill: Yeah, I’ve totally never heard that one on The Actor’s Studio. You’re so right. Anyway, I like the click of a keyboard. I also like music of all kinds (pretty much). And my husband’s voice.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: What sound or noise do you hate?

Mystery Quill: Dog’s barking endlessly.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Oh, I understand completely! Dogs terrify me! One time a dog chased me into a—sorry…

What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt?

Mystery Quill: Aw, Jaunty. You can cry it out if you want. We’ll take a moment… Okay, I think I would have been a great bassoonist. If I could play the bassoon. If I had ever tried, I would have been a true proficient.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Look new Quill, this isn’t helping much. Try giving me an answer that will enlighten our readers (and yours truly). What profession would you not like to do?

Mystery Quill: Porcupine Interviewer.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: [mutters] Try this one: if Heaven exists, what would you like God to say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Mystery Quill: The people you love and have lost are waiting for you.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Fine! I can see that my subtle yet debonair approach is not going to work with the likes of you. I will have to be direct. What do you write?

Mystery Quill: Books.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: What kind of books?

Mystery Quill: Really good ones.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Okay, fine. You’re not the only one who can play this game. Where were you born?

Mystery Quill: At a hospital. We’re country, but we’re not that country.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Aha! Britney Spears, right? You’re Britney Spears?

Mystery Quill: Yeah, totally not that country.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Where do you live?

Mystery Quill: In a domicile.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: Look, Mystery Quill, I don’t think you understand what’s at stake here. If I don’t figure out who you are, and soon, those mean Jaunty Quills have threatened to send me back to the woods. The woods! With bears and wolves and all manner of porcupine-hungry things. Do you know how difficult it will be for me to purchase my copy of Robyn DeHart’s Deliciously Wicked Porcupine in the woods?

So are you going to help me or not?

Mystery Quill: Wow. Sad story. Really. But I’ve been sworn to secrecy. And you don’t want to know what will happen to me if I tell.

By the way, that Deliciously Wicked Porcupine book? Awesome.

Porcupine Extraordinaire: I guess it’s up to you oh, loyal readers. Please save me from banishment. Help me figure out who the new Quill is!