June 30, 2006
Reality TV Bites
Written by Shana in Our Books
Since my new book came out on Tuesday, I thought I’d give everyone a sneak peek…
I’m surrounded by sweaty equivalents of the Jolly Green Giant, and the toad beside me doesn’t seem to realize this is not the fab fête he made it out to be. “Is the exciting thing we’re doing this?” I gesture to the court.
He winks at me.
“Look, Dave, sports are fun” — I have to suppress a shudder when I say this — “but not exactly exciting.”
“What are you talking about? This is probably the best game of the season.”
“Dave.” I wait until I have his full attention. “I know I’m using some two-syllable words here, so focus really hard. Sporting events are not, no matter who is playing, exciting.”
“But if the Bulls win this game, they go to the playoffs, and” — he gestures to the seats — “we’ve got the best seats in the house.”
Though I’m sure the effect of my expensive eyebrow wax is lost on him, I raise one of my perfectly arched brows. “If I am not mistaken, while you may consider basketball a way of life, the majority of the civilized world still considers it a sport and therefore it falls under the not exciting category.”
Okay, let me just point out here that I say this in my most scathing tone. And let me further point out that the big, dumb toad isn’t affected in the least.
He keeps smiling, leans over and says, “So Red, what are you trying to imply here?”
I stiffen. “Do not call me that. My name is Allison.”
“Maybe to the civilized world, but to a barbarian like me, you’re Red.” He strokes my hair, letting the sleek auburn sheet spill over his hand, then lifts my fingers and kisses them…what were we talking about?
Argh! The physical thing is the biggest problem with Dave. Whenever he touches me, a shiver runs all the way from my toes to the roots of my hair. Seriously, my hair tingles. No other guy has ever made the roots of my hair tingle. And that makes Dave very dangerous. I either have to make him over or get rid of him.
Neither idea seems tenable at this point. I’ve been sitting here all night contemplating my dilemma, and I’ve still got nothing. I gaze disinterestedly at the game. The score is pretty close. Rockets: 81. Bulls: 79.
The ref blows a whistle and play begins again. Othella Harrington takes the ball down the court, skillfully evading the Rockets’ defense. I scoot to the edge of the bench and crane my neck to see over the Goliaths in front of us.
Harrington nears the basket and turns to throw the ball, just as Yao Ming from the Rockets rushes by, collides with Harrington, knocking him over. Yao takes possession of the ball.
“What the hell!” I jump up and watch as Yao Ming dribbles the ball down to the Rockets’ side of the court and slam-dunks it. The Rockets’ side goes wild.
“Foul!” I yell. “That was a foul.”
Beside me, Dave yells, “I can’t believe this.”
In front of us Benny, the cute Bulls’ mascot, jumps up and down in frustration as play continues and the Rockets’ treachery goes unpunished. Then to add insult to injury, Clutch, the Rockets’ mascot, bounds over to Benny the Bull and points and laughs.
The Rockets Bear has to be the stupidest mascot of any NBA team. He’s gray with a big white muzzle and a goofy grin, and he’s dressed in a red and white jumper and big red shoes. Benny the Bull hangs his head.
“No, Benny,” I call. “Stand up to him.”
“Hey, Red — ” Dave begins.
Clutch wags his big red butt in poor Benny’s face, and that’s it. I slip off one of my deadly heeled Anne Klein slides and throw it as hard as I can at Clutch, hitting him square in the ass. He jumps, turns, and the crowd around me goes wild. Really wild.
Before I know what’s happening, there’s a shower of cups, plastic forks, wads of paper, and a big foam finger, raining down on Clutch.
The Bulls’ players part, and Clutch rushes forward screaming obscenities. Wow. I didn’t know mascots knew words like that. Then he bends down, reaching under the players’ bench and lifts a huge red and white cooler. He holds it over his head, pretending he’s going to drench us. By now the scene is being broadcast on the arena’s big screens, and the Rockets’ fans are cheering Clutch on.
All of a sudden, Benny pantomimes coming to our rescue, but as he rushes forward he trips over one of his big hoofs, stumbles, and knocks into Clutch.
“Oh, no,” Dave and I mumble as the contents of the cooler gush over our heads. People near us scramble to escape the wave of bright blue Gatorade surging from the cooler, and through the waterfall, I catch a glimpse of Dave and me on the big screens dominating the arena. It’s not pretty.
I wonder if Gatorade stains silk…
For another excerpt, check out www.shanebolks.com
7:33 am | Share This
Kimberly Logan Says:
Boy, Shane, this really makes me anxious to get started reading my copy!
By the way, my seven-year-old niece was reading over my shoulder while I was blogging yesterday and got a real cackle out of your title. She just loved it.
Isabel Says:
Thanks, Shane, that was awesome. I got my own copy already, and look forward to the long weekend, now.
Kristol Says:
I am still looking everywhere for this book. It seems that the bookstores didn’t get it in as expected yet. Thank you for posting another peek at it though!!!!
Shana Says:
Kristol,
Barnes & Noble should have it, and Borders tells me they’ll shelve it tomorrow (on the 1st). I don’t know why Borders won’t shelve books released before the 1st on the actual release dates, but this is a problem I’ve had with them. I don’t think Wal-Mart or Target is carrying it. I don’t know…has anyone seen it at Target? But I know B&N has tons of copies, and they’re on the new release table or in fiction/literature.
Kristol Says:
Shana, thanks for the info!!
Lucia Macro Says:
Hi gals, I’ve been lurking on the website! Kudos–it looks great. Also, I wasn’t the editor on Shana’s book, but I can tell you all it’s wonderful.
Lucia
Kimberly Logan Says:
Wow, Lucia! Thanks for visiting. We’re honored.
And Shane, I don’t think Target carries any of the Avon releases except for the Superleaders. I saw Julia Q’s OTWTTW there this week, but none of the other July Avons.
AndreaW Says:
Wow, great excerpt Shane!
**frantically writes it on my TBB list**
Andrea
Jennifer Y. Says:
Sounds good!!!
Shane Says:
Thanks for stopping by, Lucia. And thanks for adding me to your TBB list, Andrea